Banding Together: A Lap Band Adventure

The Worst Thing Imaginable

2009-09-06T14:27:00.000-07:00

If you would like to know what has happened with my husband's death, you are welcome to read about us on my page.

A Very Tragic Situation For My Family

2009-08-23T21:29:00.000-07:00

Hello, everyone who has been following my blog. I've been mia and am taking a moment to let you all know why. My husband, who is a pilot for Quest Diagnostics, has been involved in a major plane accident. He was flying Thursday night, moving medical specimens for the company, and the plane he was in crashed at Teterboro airport. He was not flying the plane. We are not sure what happened exactly, to cause the crash. My husband is in critical condition with burns over 40% of his body. He is sedated and can't hear me an will be undergoing operations several times a week for the next 6 weeks or so. Many of you have written that you enjoy my blog, and I hope to be back blogging as soon as he is on his way to recovery. For more information on the accident you can google George Maddox plane crash and you will see many stories on it.

Thanks to all of you who have been reading my posts, and remember that you can follow your lap band diet if you stay focused and follow your doc's advice. Lisa Maddox

On a Diet? Take a Page from Lap Band-ers and Don't Drink While You Eat!

2009-08-06T20:25:00.000-07:00

May I Get You a Drink?

Saw my lap band surgeon today, and we got into an interesting discussion. I was telling him how difficult it is for me to eat without drinking, and he floored me with some really interesting video that will make you simultaneously want to barf and never want to drink while eating again.

If you're not a lap bander, then you may not know that we're told to stop drinking about 15 minutes before we eat, and then to abstain from drinking for 45 minutes after we eat. It's hard. I'm one of those people who has always drunk a lot while I'm eating. A large soda with free refills, you say? Bring it on! Now, a couple of months after banding, I struggle at every meal to limit my liquid intake. I've got it down to little sips whenever I really, really need to drink while I eat. But I have to concentrate or I pick up the glass and swig away, totally unaware.

I told my doc about this hoping he might say it wasn't a very big deal, and instead he responded by referring me to one of his guilty pleasures... watching eating contests. Yes, my surgeon watches these things on YouTube with his kids, and he knows the names of the two best competitive eating "athletes" there are: a Japanese guy named Takeru Kobayashi, (who looks like an Olympian, no lie) and an American name Joey Chestnut, (who doesn't.)

The videos are strange, weird, and fascinating. Also kind of funny and disgusting. They have hilarious commentary, and the participants in the contests put away an astounding amount of food.

But the reason he told me to watch was not to freak me out (I don't think so, anyway.) He wanted me to watch them is because these guys are constantly drinking while they compete. They use the drinks to wash the food through their esophagus, through their system. This allows them to put away an astounding amount of food. Sometimes they take the food and actually dip it in the water. Using liquid must work, because these guys are really eating fast, and it has to be going somewhere.

Brace yourself, because I've included a video here of the Nathan's Hot Dogs Eating Contest. You'll see what I mean. Both of the champion eaters are on this video:

Yikes, right? But it really got me thinking. If you are on a diet they always tell you to drink profusely. I remember Weight Watchers said to drink 6-8 8oz. glasses of water a day. When I was on WW, (several times), I always used meal times to take in a lot of that water requirement, because my thirst always kicked in then. No one ever mentioned that there might be a drawback to drinking while eating, in fact, we all talked about it during the meetings and it was never discouraged. I wonder how much all that drinking at meals affected my weight loss?

The lap band guidelines are simple to follow, and very effective. I think all dieters can benefit from following them:

Don't drink while eating. Stop drinking 15 minutes before meals, and don't drink until 45 minutes after.
In between meals drink 8, yes 8, 8oz. glasses of water.
Cut your food in small bites. Very small bites.
Eat very, very slowly, and chew everything completely. (I try to chew 25 times for each bite.)
Start with protein, it fills you up and keeps you from hitting the bread basket and dessert tray.
Stay away from sugar, bread and other carbs, except for vegetables.
Eat in this order: Protein, veggies, fruit (keep the fruit to a minimum), bread.
If you do eat bread, eat it last, so that your appetite is sated quickly after you get to it.

If you follow these guidelines you'll find your diet goes more easily and you won't be as hungry. And for goodness sakes, remember the eating contest and lay off the guzzling during meals. Unless you're in training to eat competitively... or just like to eat like you are.

Technical Difficulties

2009-08-05T17:23:00.001-07:00

If you are having trouble with the blog, specifically posts showing up on top of each other, it helps to close the browser and try again, or to reload the page a couple of times. I'm working with blogger to fix this. Sorry!

Food Traditions After Lap Band: Get Over It!

2009-08-05T17:10:00.000-07:00

Eating Buddies Part II: The Hershey Park Edition

Hershey Park. Just the name spells danger for a lap bander and (former) chocoholic. It's summer, I have a kid, and so that means that I am in constantly tempting situations. Food, glorious food, is everywhere, and on top of that, on this particular trip I was traveling with my original eating buddy, my friend from college. She is often dieting, but she isn't just now, so she was eating what she wanted and that made things even more dicey for me.

Welcome To Hershey Park! Here's Your Candy Bar

When you walk in the front door of the Hershey Park visitor's center, there is a very nice lady (sent from the devil) waiting for you who will hand you a free Hershey Bar. Jeez. I knew about this particular ritual, so I avoided the visitor's center. I suggested we go right into the park, and save the free candy for later.

Lily IS a Hershey Bar!

So we joined the unbelievably huge crowd headed for the front gates and entered the park, where we learned that Lily was a Hershey Bar. This refers to her height and the types of rides she is allowed to ride. Once Lily found out she was a Hershey Bar, she never missed a chance to mention it. She sang about it, she told people in line about it, she checked every sign and commented on it. Let me tell you, she was a Hershey Bar, a Hershey Bar, a Hershey Bar. Oh yeah, she was a Hershey Bar... (You get my point.)

We hadn't gone far into the park when the food mania started. Lily wanted cotton candy. Now, I don't even like cotton candy. I think its gross. However, on Saturday, all of a sudden, I wanted some. So I told Lily no, that she couldn't get any cotton candy. She was okay with this, but only because there were so many other options. "What about ice cream?" she asked. I do like ice cream. A lot. So I said no. A lot. On and on we went through the park, with her asking for food, and me mostly saying no. She did have cotton candy later, and also about five giant cups of lemonade, a hot dog, gum, a candy apple (yuck!), a candy bar, popcorn, doughnuts on the way to the park, chocolate milk and two bags of chips. And that was after I put the kabosh on most everything she wanted. The day ended with her having breakfast for dinner, which included eggs, bacon and croissants.

I Did My Best

I mostly resisted the food. I had a few breakdowns, however, which I will now confess:

On the way to the park I had low fat latte (okay-ish, they discourage caffeine with the band), and a flat bread sandwich with ham and cheese (awful, I'm sure.) I also had a couple of bites of my eating buddy's sour cream doughnut (bad, very bad!)
At the park I had several handfuls of popcorn,
some lemonade,
the actual dog from my hot dog with half the bun, some mustard and ketchup,
gum, gum and more gum.

I got out without the candy bar. Lily insisted on buying herself a souvenir of a silver necklace with a Hershey's Kiss and her birthstone on it (more chocolate reminders), and practically freaked out on the way out when my eating buddy's family stopped at the chocolate shop and got all manner of Hershey's candy, some fudge, a big pretzel and a few other things they kindly shielded from my view. Whew! I'm glad that's over.

I think I did fairly well, considering the situation. When we got home I had the bacon and eggs, arguably okay, because they are high in protein. (Bacon, not so good.) While my friends were at my house I also cooked steaks, which were pretty ok, and a salad.

The Lap Band Vs. Vacation Eating

All I can say is all of this is hard. Even with the band, you want to eat what you want to eat. You get hungry. (Not as hungry, but hungry.) You envy people who are eating what you can't, even, I'm ashamed to say, your seven year old daughter.

You still have all your old cravings, your emotional attachments to foods, to eating certain foods at certain places, and to the sharing special foods with the people you've eaten with so many times. The lap band is, unfortunately, not tied over you eyes so you can't see the candy bars, and its not worn like earmuffs so that you won't hear people thrilling over what they are eating. It does not go around your wrists so that you can't reach into your purse to pay for unnecessary treats, and it also lacks an alarm that goes off when you step into the doughnut shop. It's too bad it doesn't have some of the features, because I think a lot of people would pay extra for them. I know I would!

The band makes it harder to stuff food down quickly. It reminds you that you are trying to lose weight when you get large bites of food hung on it from eating too much, too quickly. It helps you fill up quicker, but it can't tell if you are eating a protein bar or a candy bar. You have to police yourself, and you'd better be prepared for it.

Special Occasion Eating: It Will Make You Fat!

Your friends and family will often tell you, "It's okay if you eat today, its a special occasion." They love you, they know you love food, they want you to be happy. You can't fault them for that.

Your mind will tell you the same thing. But I've learned that modern life is chock full of special occasions and the foods that go along with them. For those of us cursed with the slow metabolism, the lack of control, the bad genes, the belief that if it is on a buffet it is calorie free, the tendency to black out while eating, the enabling families, the generous food friends, life is just going to be a little harder. The band helps a lot. But most of the work is still up to us. Dang!

It's Just Not Fair

No, its not fair. But its the way it is. And if you have the band or are considering getting one, you will need to meditate on increasing your self control and eliminating the concept of "food traditions" from your life. Just because you're at Hershey Park, you don't have to have a Hershey Bar. No matter how many times the nice lady offers you one, or how many times your daughter says Hershey Bar... You can resist. Really.

Lap Band Blog: House Keeping

2009-08-01T19:12:00.000-07:00

A Few Things About My Blog

After a lot of trial and error, I've added a few new features to the blog. I thought I'd point them out so that all my boo-boos might actually pay off with more readers.

First off, I've made a "blidget" for the blog. This is a blog widget. I didn't even know such a thing existed, but I found this site, widgetbox.com, and I think this is so cool. You can click on the "promo badge," (black, in left sidebar), and it will take you to a page where you can download the blog widget. Then you can post my blog, in the form of a sidebar widget, on any web page. If you have a band related site, or would like to tell people about my blog, this is a great way to do it. Its pretty easy, and they offer instructions on how to use it as well.

Second, I've learned about some new ways to get more people to read the blog, and you can help me out here. One important way is to subscribe to the blog. There are buttons to do this on the left sidebar. One will let you subscribe to posts, one to comments. This somehow helps me in the search pages, so if you do follow me, this would be great to do.

Another thing you can do is share any posts that you think are helpful. The is a share button at the bottom of each post, and it allows you to share on other sites. The sites important to me are digg.com, reddit.com, twitter.com, stumbleupon.com, delicious.com and of course, facebook.com. If you share on even one of these sites it will help me get more readers. You do have to join the site you share on, but they generally don't bother you and all of them are really cool sites. This will get me higher placement in search engines, and therefore, more readers.
Next is my Shelfari bookshelf. This is so cool! You can click through the various shelves and link to books I've read and recommend. I have some great books about lap band, and also some great lap band and low fat cooking cookbooks on my shelves. I also review some of them and link you to amazon.com to order them.
This brings me to my last enhancement. I've tried to "monetize" my blog. (This means I'm trying to make money from it.) I put a lot of time into the blog and I would like to be able to make a little extra cash from it. So I've added some links that allow me to make a small commission if you buy something through them. One is my cafepress shop link, which features my t-shirt shop. I've got lots of cool designs on many, many subjects. Another is a link to Amazon.com that will take you to Amazon to order anything you like. If you shop at Amazon, and you get there through my link, I get a little commission. I also have "Google Adsense" ads on the blog. Those also pay me a little commission if you are interested in the information there and click on them. I also link you to amazon whenever I review or mention a product in the blog. If you buy them by clicking the link, again, I get a little commission. We are talking very small amounts of money for each of these things, but if I get enough clicks it can add up to a little extra income for me. So I thought I'd mention it, and hope you will consider using these links.
I've also added a Technocrati button. Technocrati is a site that tells people about blogs. If you click that link then Technocrati will make note that you are reading the blog and move me up in their list of blogs. Again, this will get me more readers.
Finally, and yes, this is shameless promotion of my child, but I had to do it... I put a link to YouTube where you can see my daughter in her rabbit care video. It's just cute and I'm proud of her, so if you want a little sweetness in your life you can watch here.

Hope some of these things are of interest to you, and thanks to everyone for their encouragement and good wishes on the blog. I really do appreciate it, and enjoy writing the posts.

Feel Good Movies to Watch While Losing Weight With the Lap Band

2009-07-31T07:37:00.000-07:00

Are You Feeling Blue? Need a Pick-Me-Up?

Just back from out of town I'm having a low moment as I have nothing to look forward to, and I'm a bit stressed about Lily starting school and all that I need to do in preparation. I need to keep my spirits up, its essential to my lap band success. Whenever I feel blue, I like to watch a feel good movie. I thought I'd break from my usual topic, me, and suggest some great movies for people who are struggling with a diet, new habits, or anything else that stresses you out. This list is just my own personal favorites. It's not official or anything. But I do guarantee effectiveness!

Oh, how I love this miniseries! Fabulous Mr. Darcy! Wonderful Elizabeth Bennett! If you want to feel like everything can work out, even for the disadvantaged, this is the film for you. I'd have to say this is my all time favorite feel good movie, and I do own it. I watch it regularly. And I also recommend the book! Pride and Prejudice (Penguin Classics)
Here's another one I've watched a million times. See Diane Lane go to Italy, find a wonderful villa, and find herself. And boy, the men are fabulous, too!
This one will make you laugh out loud. I don't know why, but a lot of people don't know how good this gem of a movie is. A romance, a comedy, but not a romantic comedy. I guess you'd call it a comedic fairytale. Fun, fun, fun!
If you somehow haven't seen this screamingly satisfying movie, you have missed a really fulfilling experience. I won't give it away, but when "It's Raining Men" starts, you'll be the happiest girl in the world!
I know, I know... Robby Benson (too much spit in his mouth to talk correctly in my opinion.) This is a little nothin' of a film, with a leading lady I never saw again, and yes, Robby Benson, who annoys a lot of folks. But there's something about this movie that just lifts you up!
Yes, more Austen. (I could list all the movies and books, really.) This is a slower paced film, but again, fabulously satisfying. Everyone figures everything out, finally, and you just sigh with happiness. Too good to miss!
Lots of people missed this one, and its just wonderful. Combine a modern woman stuck in a little Irish town who finds friends and adventure. So unexpectedly good you'll be thrilled.
I suppose everyone's seen this one more than once, but if you haven't indulged in a while, this is one that will have you smiling all day. Whoopie Goldberg is great, and I love the nun who smiles all the time, (Kathy Najimi)
Here's a less seen Whoopie movie that will break your heart before putting it back together. Ray Liotta is wonderful as a widower who turns to maid Whoopie Goldberg to help him put his life back together. Also, you'll love the touching performance by the little girl in the movie. She perfectly portrays the desolation of a child who has lost her mother... and misses her terribly. Ahhhh, think I'll watch it right now.
Cinderella for big girls. When Drew Barrymore arrives at the ball in her gown with angel wings, and murmurs, "Just breathe," you'll take a big breath along with her. This movie celebrates womanhood in a charming and unexpected way, using one of the all time "women as victim" stories ever written. Yay!

I could go on and on, and maybe I will do this again soon. I'm planning on watching Pride and Prejudice with my husband this weekend, and I can guarantee we'll have a wonderful time. Just making this list up has cheered me considerably, and it makes me marvel at the power of films. Keep this list and break out the DVDs when you have a bad week. You won't be sorry, and I find if I'm happy, I'm much more likely to adhere to my lap banding routine. Cheers!

Lapbanders: We're Regular People Video Playlist | Embedr

2009-07-31T03:05:00.001-07:00

Videos About the Lap Band

Here is a great compilation video I made of real people talking about different aspects of the lap band experience. See fills, before and after pictures, doctor visits, pre and post op surgery vlogs and more. There's a woman who talks specifically about the realize band (the one I have.)

Lots of things here to learn. Click on the link below to see the video.

Lapbanders: We're Regular People Video Playlist | Embedr

Shared via AddThis

Back From Atlanta!

2009-07-29T17:41:00.000-07:00

Old Habits Die Hard!

Well, I made it through the trip. Yes, it was hot. Yes, I was hungry. Yes, I obsessed over what to eat.

The food obsession started at the airport before our flight left. We had a flight delay, and I immediately went into my "travel" mode... Got time at the airport? Buy magazine -- check! Buy drink -- check! (I did buy water.) Buy gum -- check! Still got time? Buy food!

There wasn't much around, and it came down to a couple of fast food joints, a salad place and an Italian place. I started out looking at the salads, but they were enormous, and sort of intimidating. So I wandered over to the Italian place. Bingo!

Trip Tip #1: Look for protein. The Italian place had a chicken parmesan meal that included salad and a piece of breaded chicken. I got that. I used low fat dressing and started with the chicken first. Then I slowly ate the salad until I was full. The rest I gave to my husband.

Next hurdle: The actual plane ride. They gave out nuts and cookies. I ate the peanuts. I had a cup of ice water. My daughter and husband oohed and ahhed about the cookies, but I didn't mind too much.

When we got to Atlanta we were tired and hungry, of course. We stopped at McDonald's and I got a small cheeseburger and removed the top piece of bread.

Trip Tip #2: Eat wherever and make it work.

On to our friend's house. They had graciously offered to make us dinner, and I was a bit worried about what it was going to be... But it worked out. They made Talapia, corn, salad and a zucchini casserole. I ate most of what was on my plate. We sat at the table so long I ended up eating more than I normally would.

Trip Tip #3: Clear your plate when you've eaten enough. Don't sit at the table until your pouch empties and you eat more.

The next day we went exploring and showed my daughter where she was born. We tried to go to two favorite restaurants and failed. (Too busy.) So we ended up at Chic-Fil-A where I ate some chicken nuggets and a cup of fresh fruit.

Dinner time came and we had planned to meet 8 friends at a Thai restaurant. I tried a new tactic. I ordered everything I loved: spring roll, coconut soup with chicken, and curried catfish. I ate just one fourth of the spring roll. Then I ate about 5 spoonfuls of the soup. Finally, I have to admit, I ate most of the fish. But it is the best entree I've ever found at any restaurant.

Saturday was the day of the film screenings. We had very little time to eat before the film showed, so I just had one piece of French toast, courtesy our host. I ate sugar free syrup. I was hungry afterward.

After the 4 pm showing, we ran over to another favorite restaurant where I again ordered what I wanted, and again gave much of what I'd ordered away. This was working pretty well.

The last day we were invited to a brunch at a friend's house. This was pretty easy. I ate the eggs and a couple of pieces of bacon, sticking to the protein as much as possible. I did drink some OJ, but I just couldn't resist. I then drank tons of water and avoided the buffet.

Trip Tip #4: Stay away from the buffet.

On the way to the airport we stopped at at country cookin' type of place and I ate some smoked chicken and some veggies. I skipped the bread.

All in all, I thought I did pretty well. I overate a couple of times, but it was not too bad, and I jumped back on the horse as soon as I got home. One thing I did notice is that I need more restriction on my band. I'm more hungry than I was before, and I'm thinking about food more.

The other thing was that my nerves about the screening probably added to my desire to eat. So I tried not to think too much about getting up in front of people to talk.

I'm back to my regular routine today, trying to clean my house for guests this weekend, when we'll go to Hershey Park on Saturday. Another hurdle in my journey toward a normal size!

Going to Atlanta for My Film Screening!

2009-07-22T20:52:00.000-07:00

I'll be gone until Monday, and won't be posting. I'm attending the screening of a documentary I directed. If you've been reading my posts you know I've been worrying about what to wear, and what to eat, etc. I'll report on how I did when I get back on Monday. Wish me luck!

Such A Pretty Fat:: Fun Read for Anyone Who Needs a Laugh... and a Good Push

2009-07-22T20:29:00.000-07:00

Book Review For You

Everybody needs to laugh at themselves now and then, and lap band people are no exception. Such a Pretty Fat is funny. Jen Lancaster is a riot, even if sometimes you are wincing with shock at what comes out of her mouth (pen?) She can be mean. And get ready, because she can talk a little blue. But if you've been struggling and feel alone in your struggle to lose weight, this book will put a smile on your face.

A NOTE FROM JEN LANCASTER:

"To whom the fat rolls…I'm tired of books where a self-loathing heroine is teased to the point where she starves herself skinny in hopes of a fabulous new life. And I hate the message that women can't possibly be happy until we all fit into our skinny jeans. I don't find these stories uplifting; they make me want to hug these women and take them out for fizzy champagne drinks and cheesecake and explain to them that until they figure out their insides, their outsides don't matter. Unfortunately, being overweight isn't simply a societal issue that can be fixed with a dose healthy of positive self-esteem. It’s a health matter, and here on the eve of my fortieth year, I've learned I have to make changes so I don't, you know, die. Because what good if finally being able to afford a pedicure if I lose a foot to adult onset diabetes?"

Another warning, Lancaster is a conservative. If that's not your cup of tea (and its not mine), you might not like the book as much. But hey, I'm a live and let live gal, and Lancaster says things in this book that are amazingly on target about weight. And since that's what I'm concentrating on, I found this book to be a nice relief from the "serious" talks I've had with others about my weight. Just because we are working on our weight, it doesn't mean we have to be miserable. Here are a couple of other fun reads to try out while you work your way down the scale.

Another Video: How To Make Low Fat Mahi Mahi

2009-07-20T21:28:00.000-07:00

This Looks Like a Great Recipe

Another thing people are asking for is band friendly recipes. This is a recipe for Mahi Mahi, which will provide protein for you.

Looking at my Blog Stats

2009-07-20T21:09:00.000-07:00

Fills, Fills, Fills

When I took a look today at who has been coming to read my blog, and it seems like everyone wants to know about fills. I've put a video on before about this, but it doesn't seem like it has addressed the issue. I found this video that is really aimed at doctors, but it does give a lot of information on fills. Remember, the audience is doctors, but people can't seem to get enough info on this.

Sort of Boring But Good Informational Video On Lap Band

2009-07-20T14:33:00.000-07:00

I'm Still Fat. Damn.

2009-07-19T20:17:00.000-07:00

I've Had a Hard Couple of Days

If you've been wondering where I've been, its because we had some unexpected things happen this past week. My husband was on his way out for errand and noticed a little white bunny in our yard. After a moment's pause, he decided to go on and do his errands and ignore the bunny. He figured it was a neighbor's.

He came home a few hours later and the bunny was still in our yard. He told me, I went out to investigate, and the bunny hopped over to me and sat on my foot. Obviously, a lost bunny. I brought her inside and once my daughter saw her, all heck broke loose. She was so excited I thought she was going to rocket off of the planet. While she oohed and ahhed over the rabbit, I got on the net and did some research. We started by riding around the neighborhood hoping to see posters about a lost rabbit. No luck. Then we decided to feed her. My husband went to the store for carrots. Then, after I read more about rabbit's eating habits, he went back for romaine lettuce. We put the bunny in a basket with towels and my daughter sat next to the basket and sang her songs and read her all of her princess books. She was getting attached, to say the least.

We made it through the night (the bunny slept in Lily's room), and again, we looked for posters. Nothing. So it was time for a trip to Pet Smart. We spent $93 dollars getting stuff for the bunny, now named Savannah. We went to my mom's and got an old pack and play to put her in. My daughter, sensing that no one was ever going to claim the bunny, was getting really confident that she had a new pet.

Bunny Drama

My husband is a pilot and works nights, so after he left for the evening we settled down to watch some tv and hang out with the bunny. My daughter was so excited about all the bunny care info we learned she asked if we could make a video, and we did. Around 10 pm I told her to put the bunny in the play pen and leave her alone. I had noticed the rabbit was not eating or pooping, and that was worrying me. I looked on the net and found out that a rabbit that is not eating or pooping is a sick rabbit. I called the vet... They referred me to an emergency clinic 25 miles away. It was $90 for a visit. I talked to the vet and he said, "Oh, she'll be okay until tomorrow." I decided to chance waiting.

An hour or so later I could see the rabbit was really sick. Lily, who was on a two day high at this point, was still up and still reading to the rabbit. She had pulled a little stool up to the play pen. I asked her to leave the rabbit alone again, and made her come sit on the couch to watch tv. A few minutes later she checked on the rabbit and... she was dead.

Oh. My. God. You cannot imagine how upset Lily got. I was pretty upset too, but Lily was sure it was her fault. She figured she had read too much to her, fussed too much over her. I tried to reassure her, but she was beside herself. She said, "I'll never be the same again. She was my favorite thing ever."

It Broke My Heart

I got on the net AGAIN and started looking for rabbits for sale in our area. I found one about 20 minutes away and emailed her. All that was left was to convince daddy. He was less than enthused, but after witnessing Lily's heartbreak, he relented. So today we went to get a replacement bunny for the bunny we found and never meant to have as a pet in the first place. Yes, we realize that this is fairly nuts, but I felt terrible for Lily and we couldn't say no.

Get to the Point!

So what does this have to do with my still being fat? Well, we took our video camera to document Lily picking out her new bunny. My husband held the camera so I couldn't do my usual hiding. I was all over the video, and true to my usual form, when I saw the video I was shocked at how fat I still am. I've been losing weight and my clothes are loose and I've been thinking I look pretty good. I probably do look a lot better. But I'm not thin, or medium, or medium large. I am still firmly extra large. Shoot.

So I'm going to Atlanta this weekend and will be seeing friends I haven't seen in 5 years and I'm still fat. I'm really bummed. It would be so cool to look good. I wish for once I knew what I looked like! This body dysmorphia thing is so insidious. If I could get a handle on what I look like, I know I would have an easier time dieting, exercising, and dealing with my weight problem. Even though I'm acutely aware that I don't know what I look like, I am still shocked that I don't know what I look like. Or something like that.

So, tomorow I'm going out to try to find a couple of outfits to make me look a little better while in Atlanta. I'm sure I'll think I look good in them until I see the pictures from the trip. Then I'll realize I'm still fat. Damn.

If you want to see the video Lily made about the rabbit, it's right here on youtube.

I'm also posting a video of the new bunny.

You'll be able to hear me talking, but since I edited it myself, you won't see me. I can't stand to see myself on video.

A New Hurdle: Vacation... Favorite Restaurants!

2009-07-19T19:29:00.000-07:00

Oh Boy!

If you've read any of my previous posts, you know that I am food obsessed. I hail from New Orleans, where they breed the food love right into you. I also lived in Atlanta for 22 years. Atlanta is no New Orleans, but it has a lot of great restaurants. I'm going to Atlanta this weekend, and my husband and I are planning a lot of our trip around our favorite restaurants. Pray for me!

I Miss the Food!

We live in Reading, Pennsylvania now, where they are "food backward" and the selection of "good" restaurants is slim. And when I say "good" in reference to Reading, I mean places we will go to more than once. They love steak here, and they love to burn it. If you order it medium rare you either get it well done (as in "Medium rare meat is gross and you aren't gonna eat it here,") or practically raw ("You want medium rare? I am going to show you how disgusting under-cooked meat can be.") It really stinks. Other than steak, its the whole frozen breaded seafood thing, Italian (not great Italian, though) and pizza. Is pizza Italian? Not sure, but you get the picture of food in Reading, PA.

In Atlanta we had many restaurants we loved. Ethnic food, yum. (Reading has no good ethnic food that I can find.) We'll be visiting Thai Chili (OMG Curry Catfish!), Mexico City Gourmet (Steak Tacos to die for), The Havana Sandwich Shop (Cuban sandwich with black beans and rice... fantastic!), and The Sundown Cafe (specialty tacos like fried chicken with tomatoes and lime mayonnaise, help me Lord.) We might also make a stop at the Bar B Que Kitchen (Southern fried goodness like smothered steak with every veggie known to man and biscuits... unlimited refills on the vegetables which include fried green tomatoes, fried okra, mashed potatoes, well, you get the idea.)

Making It Work

I have to figure out the eight best bites I can eat at each place. Maybe I can stretch it to twelve if I am lucky. Oh God, the pressure. Living in Reading has actually been good for me diet-wise, so few meals to lust over at the local eateries. This will be my first real test since getting banded and I'm nervous. What if I can't control myself?

I'm just kidding, of course, but this sort of situation is one I really didn't envision when I got the band. I was so focused on the daily eating I would do, I never thought too much what it would be like when I went on vacations, where invariably for us, food plays a major role. I figure I'll do what they tell you to do, take tiny bites, eat slowly and chew forever. At least I'll be chewing something I like!

Eating Buddies -- Maintaining Your Relationship After the Lap Band

2009-07-15T13:52:00.000-07:00

Hey, Let's Go Get Some Ice Cream!

If you have had a weight problem for any length of time then you probably have a few eating buddies. My first eating buddy was in college. Up until then, I was a solitary eater. But in college, I met a girl who liked me, she liked to talk, she liked to hang out, and she liked to eat. We had a relationship made in (hog) heaven. It didn't help that a lot of our eating sessions were preceded by drinking sessions. Nothing will make you want to eat like drinking a bunch of beer.

Our Little Club

We were so happy together. Got a problem? Let's go eat! Got something to celebrate? Let's go eat. Bored, tired, angry, lonely? Let's eat!!! We knew every diner, greasy spoon, joint and cafe in town. We'd lounge over our omelettes, linger over our fried catfish platter, loiter over our po-boy sandwiches. It didn't help that we were from New Orleans, where mayonnaise runs through the veins of the locals, the home of the french fries and gravy Po-Boy.

At this time I really didn't have a weight problem, so there seemed to be no reason not to enjoy the deep South's bounty of delectable food offerings. There was an endless list of places to try. Everything was good. At that time in New Orleans and the surrounding area, if a restaurant wasn't good, it didn't survive. We patronized lots of them and I can tell you, they were great.

Uh-Oh, Spaghetti O's

Toward the end of college, I started to gain weight. It was a real shock! After years of eating what I wanted and then dieting off the excess in a week, I found myself putting on pounds that grew more resistant by the year. What a bummer! I hadn't really examined my eating habits. Most of my food choices were decided by committee, as in, "Who wants to go get ice cream?" My question was, who didn't? It was time to start curbing my eating, but I was ill-prepared and in denial about what a normal meal consisted of. No dessert? I'd had dessert my entire life after every dinner. Cut back on fried foods? No fried shrimp? Are you kidding?

But the big stumbling block were my eating buddies. I had acquired a few more by then. And they were full of ideas of what to eat, where to eat, and when to eat, and they weren't proposing salads. Eating had turned into my hobby, and without it I was going to be short a few friends and a lot of socializing. Let me be clear -- nobody made me eat, and I didn't make them eat. But we encouraged and enabled each other constantly. If one of us decided to try to cut back for a while, invariably the other would start to crave a certain meal and arrange an outing. I always find it very hard to order diet food in a place where I've had some of my best, most fattening meals. Grilled chicken at the fried chicken place? Heresy! A salad at the family style Italian place? Blasphemy! So I'd go along and invariably end up ordering one of my favorites... and so it went, through college and my early professional career.

They're My Kind of People!

I found I just liked people who were big eaters better. They seemed more generous, happier, more inclined to try new things and be adventurous. I liked them! They liked me! We ate Chinese, Indian, Thai, Japanese, Vietnamese, Dim Sum, Sushi. We scouted out the best bar-b-que. I learned to cook steak like a pro. We had pot luck dinners. We checked out the Morrocan restaurant and watched the belly dancer. We had crawfish boils and pig roasts, chili cookoffs and picnics. We went to our favorite taco joint every Friday and even had our own table there with a rotating group of about 20 people, all hungry and ready to eat. We had people over to eat and they had us to their house, and through it all we ate and ate. By the time I was 30 I had a weight problem and I knew it was time to turn things around, but I was in pretty deep with the eaters. I just couldn't stand the idea of breaking up with my eating buddies. Our outings comprised so much of what was interesting and fun in my life. It seemed so unfair that I would have to stop participating in something I loved so much and was so very good at.

Going Halvsies

I decided to try going along to the dinners and not eating. That never worked, everyone was uncomfortable that I was abstaining. (Eaters like eaters.) I tried ordering something small and picking away, but people would ask if I was sick, if I was broke, if I was depressed. They offered to buy. They couldn't understand me not eating and they didn't like it.

Spouses and the Band

My first husband was something of an eating buddy, too. My current husband is great about the band, he supports me and encourages me, and he has pretty good eating habits. But husband number one could sit down and eat a whole cake one day and then eat nothing the next. He knew where the oatmeal cakes were kept in convenience stores within a 5 mile radius of our home. He was food obsessed and he liked to share his obession.

I feel for all of you banders out there who are married to an eater. They are not going to want the party to end. They will sabotage, they will enable, they will cook stuff you can't have, and bring home "treats" you don't want. They will deliberately misunderstand the boundaries of your diet, and purposely encourage you to "take a break." And these are the ones that really love you! Eating buddies like to eat and it hurts their feelings when you stop. It makes them feel guilty about eating themselves, and that's no fun. All in all, if you have an important eating buddy in your life, you are going to have to redefine the parameters of your relationship.

Setting Boundaries

First off, you have to have a long, heart to heart talk with your buddy. Explain to them why you have to lose weight, and keep it specific to you and you alone.Try not to wander over into you eating buddy's issues.
Explain what the lap band is, how it works, and how you will be eating once you have it.
Reassure your buddy that you will still hang out, will still be around and will still be fun. You just won't be chewing the entire time.
Start making other activities the focus of your get togethers.
Ask your buddy to understand and respect your eating limitations, and set up some sort of signal to give them if they start leading you astray, like "you're doing it again!"
Buy low fat and bariatric eating cookbooks and start cooking interesting and varied meals. Cook a larger portion for your buddy, and supply them with bread and dessert even though you can't indulge. Think of this as an act of love.
Find restaurants where you can order food that works with the band, and stay away from old favorites until your new eating habits are established.
Remember, while you adjust your relationship to your new lap banding life, that though your eating buddy may be overweight and in denial, it is not your job to recruit them to your way of doing things. Even if they are your spouse.

Take care of you. Cook good meals. Follow your banding diet. Have a sense of humor about your food limitations. Don't comment on your buddy's meal. Try not to constantly complain about the food you're missing. That just gives them to opportunity to offer you things you shouldn't have.

Don't Give Up

If none of this works and they are still sabotaging you in your efforts, its time for another sit down. Explain that you are not going to give up on making yourself healthier and happier. Be direct. Don't talk around the issue, address it. If you are direct, assertive and sensitive, you should be able to make your buddy understand that though the days of excess are over, you still want a relationship with them. Then prove it by spending time with them doing things that don't involve food.

Above are tons of cool cookbooks to try out. Take a deep breath, check them out, and see if one might work for you and your buddy!

Interesting Information on the Benefits of Eating Protien

2009-07-15T11:11:00.000-07:00

This is a short YouTube video I found about how the band works, and the benefits of eating protein.

Some Interesting Articles About Weight Loss

2009-07-14T13:08:00.000-07:00

If you feel like doing a little reading, these are some interesting articles I found today that relate in some way to our situation as lap banders.

What's the Best Diet? Eating Less Food I always suspected this was true lol.

Eat Less and Live Longer: An unexpected benefit of banding?

Eating Disorders in Middle Age : I included this one because I thought it was interesting. Soon, everyone in America is going to be Anorexic or Bulemic! Notice the guy who says women are totally freaked out about their bodies. Americans really are reaching crisis proportions when it comes to our concern about our appearances.

Tara Stiles: What's In the Fridge? Three Reasons To Cook Your Own Meals A little encouragement to eat at home when the fast food is singing its siren song!

'Superfoods' Everyone Needs Good for you, and yummy too!

Squishy or Sharp: The Lap Band and Your Family

2009-07-14T11:51:00.000-07:00

She Didn't Get It From Me!

My 7 year old daughter has weighed 40 pounds for about a year. She's slender and sleek with long legs and thighs that are already almost as long as mine, has a beautiful face on a perfect head set atop a long elegant neck and if I didn't love her so much I'd hate her. That's how beautiful she is. She doesn't care about food, except for steak and sweets, and she can still wear some of her shorts from when she was 2.

She can use her toes to scratch her face like a cat, can cross her legs and twist the top leg around her calf and basically doesn't know the limitations of being chubby. She loves to dress up in costumes (and she looks great in them,) wants to be a pop star, and is waiting for her "hourglass" (as she calls her grown-up figure) to arrive. She fully expects to be flexible and supple all of her life, and I hope for her sake that she will be. She is about as close to perfect as one can be and is pretty unaffected by it, though people stop her to tell her how pretty she is all the time.

From the Sublime to the Ridiculous

Cut to her mama, recently banded, eating protein for all she's worth and weighing herself daily while praying out loud to see a drop in weight. I'm wearing clothes that either are too big or way too little (been shopping in the closet where every size is available.) I'm having trouble looking put together, and some days I look positively wan if I let me food supplies run low and eat too little. We're quite a pair. She, who has yet to face a lump, bulge or crease -- and I, who spends time every day making sure my bra bulge isn't showing. She loves me, truly loves me, just like I am. in a way that no one in my life ever has. If I ask her how I look, no matter how I look, she always answers, "beautiful." (Well, sometimes she says, "Very beautiful.") She thinks I look great just like I am, and I love her for her starry eyed devotion.

A Big Mama is Better Than No Mama!

When I decided I wanted to investigate the Lap Band two years ago, she really didn't understand why I wanted one. As these two years have passed, and our society being what it is, she understands that I want to lose weight and I think she mostly understands why. We've had a lot of talks about losing weight, and she has been super concerned. "I don't want you to change," she says. "Can it hurt you?" she asks. "You're my only mama, please don't have an operation," was the one that really got to me. She was worried about the surgery itself hurting me, and I don't blame her. I showed her the videos on the Realize Band web page and that helped her understand the procedure better and calmed her fears.

Change is Hard

We cuddle every night while we watch tv, and she and the dog always choose me over my husband because, let's face it, I'm more comfortable to lay on. Good and squishy. She puts her head on my chest and pats my tummy, and says, " I love you, Mom," and it really does go straight to the heart. Several times, she tried to talk me out of the surgery, and I had to talk to her an explain the health ramifications if I don't lose weight. I also told her if I lost 50 pounds I'd go swimming with her. I asked her if she wouldn't love to climb up mountains together when we visit her grandma in Asheville, NC. Of course, all of this sounds great to her... but she still had reservations. Before I went into the operating room she told me to tell the surgeon she still wanted me to be squishy, not sharp, when she hugs me.

Two months post-op she still doesn't want me to change. I think this is common, and I think a lot of family members feel this way, not just the kids. Expect your kids to miss things about how you were before. Don't be surprised if you husband suddenly starts to get jealous. And don't be surprised if you meet with resistance and sabotage. Change is scary and it makes moms who have lost a lot of weight do unpredictable things. They jump up off the couch and make everyone clean the garage. They decide yard work isn't so bad. They stop cooking that gooey hamburger casserole that kids love because they say no human should eat so much fat at one sitting. In short, they get more responsible and that can be a drag for the family.

Keep Connected and Reassure Your Family

So I think its good to talk to your children and spouse about the benefits of the surgery to your health. Emphasize the physical capabilities you'll regain. Paint a mental picture of your family sharing activities that weren't possible before weight loss. And have a little mercy when it comes to changing things everyone likes. Rework the hamburger casserole recipe so its safe to eat and keep serving it. Act happy. Be happy. Help your loved ones embrace the change you're going through, because their support is crucial, and their happiness magnifies yours. If you get too sharp to cuddle your kids, get a pillow off your bed, put it on your tummy and let them lay on that. There are lots of things your family liked about your before lap band self, and with a little sensitivity and a sense of humor, you can keep everyone happy while you transition from squishy to sharp.

Myths About Lap Bands: Expect People to Discourage You!

2009-07-12T21:47:00.000-07:00

You're Getting a Lap Band? It's Not Gonna Work!

Ever since I started considering the band, I've been pretty open about it. I've talked about it to friends and family, and anyone else who I thought might have a point of view.

I must say, during those conversations I've heard some of the same comments over and over again. I've noticed them as comments on blog entries, too. These ideas are ill-informed and fairly innocent, but some of them are downright judgemental and cruel. Why do people feel the need to discourage us when we are trying to become better, more in control, healthier people? I'm not sure of the answer, but this post tries to identify some of the things you're bound to hear from friends and family if you've had or are considering the band.

What is a Lap Band? It's pretty simple: a Laparoscopic Adjustable Gastric Band procedure is a purely restrictive surgical procedure. A silicone band is placed around the upper part of the stomach, creating a small pouch. This small stomach pouch holds only a small amount of food, which is then passed through a small outlet created by the band into the lower part of the stomach. Because food is regulated, most patients feel full faster.

When you think about it, this is really just about the best way a person could seek to lose weight. Excessive hunger is one of the biggest reasons people overeat and gain weight. People do lots of crazy things to quell hunger. Things that work, like diet pills and ephedrine, that just aren't good for you. Then there are the jillions of things that are out there that don't work. You know, the stuff they sell in the checkout line at Walmart that "melts belly fat." That kind of thing. There aren't many people who haven't tried some sort of weight loss product. And just about everyone has at least been on a diet in the past. After all, Americans are really overweight. Why then, do people feel the need to judge people who get a lap band? Not sure, but be prepared. Now here are some of the things you can expect to hear.

You are taking the easy way out. Not! This one really chaps me. I spent two years getting approved, dieting, seeing doctors and getting ready for surgery. I had an operation, for Pete's Sake! I drank liquids for a few weeks. I'm getting fills, which really don't hurt, but they're scary looking. Plus, I'm having to listen to crap like, "You're taking the easy way out." Geez. Bite me!!

You are going to be malnourished. Nope. Your doctor will give you information on how to get proper nutrition. You'll also have to take supplents. But the lap band will not make you malnourished. Good grief! First, I have to hear that I'm self-indulgent. Now, I'm denying myself in a dangerous way. Make up your mind!

After lose the weight, you'll probably gain it back. This is one I hear all the time, and from just about everyone I mention the band to. It has assumed the level of an urban legend. I can't tell you how often I see comments on blogs that someone knows someone who knows someone who lost a bunch of weight and gained it all back and now they're fatter than ever. Not sure why people love this one so much. The fact is, if you get a band you'll still have to deal with your weight and eating issues for the rest of your life. But if you keep up with your fills you'll lose weight. Some people gain some of their weight back, but statistically, the great percentage of banders stay much leaner than they were before banding.

You're gonna lose weight too fast, and its not good for you! The same people who tell you you need to lose weight will turn around and tell you this one. In fact, you lose about 2 to 3 pounds a week.

You're going to have to drink your meals for the rest of your life. Of course not. After the initial period of healing you eat three small portioned meals a day.

If you get the band you'll never be able to get pregnant. Not true. Most docs want you to wait until your weight loss stabalizes. And if you need extra calories during your pregnancy, your doc can loosen the band.

Lap Band surgery is dangerous. You could die on the table! The lap band is placed with minimal cutting. You'll heal quickly and be back to your life in a couple of weeks. Lots of people confuse the band with gastric bypass, which is a very serious operation. I think that's why so many people believe this.

You'll probably hear more nutty stuff, but this is a list you're sure to hear. If you have one to add, please comment. The main thing is, don't let other people's ignorance, jealousy and all around mean spiritedness get you down. The band has changed my life for the better, and its also helping me learn that it doesn't really matter what other people think about me. I'm doing this for myself, and for my health, and that's really all that's important when you think about it.

Love My New Widget!

2009-07-11T04:48:00.000-07:00

Shelfari Rocks!

When I take on a new challenge, I like to do research. I've been an Amazon fan since the place opened, and if I would have followed my instincts I would have bought stock with them at the beginning. Amazon is my first stop when I'm trying to learn about something, and its where I've spent several hundred dollars on cookbooks and weight loss books lately. Amazon had kept me up at night, drained my bank account, caused my husband to shoot me the hairy eyeball when the mailman arrives, and yet, I love it still. When I love someone or something, I am loyal to a fault. It's how I am about everything, even food.

Amazon is also a great source for cooking equipment, makeup, gadgets,pretty much anything you could need on your journey to self improvement. I've written about some of these things, and I've been wishing there was a way to keep that information in front of you all the time, so its there when you need it. After all, once you read a post, it's out of your mind the next day. Several of the books I've recommended have really helped me through the pre-operative and post-operative period in ways I hadn't expected. I'm glad I had something to reference when I was feeling shaky, which was pretty often. No matter what the doctor told me to expect at each stage, I always started questioning what was going on when I actually experienced it.

So today, when I saw Shelfari on someone else's blog, I immediately went on there and added books I've read, books I'm reading, and books I want to read (and some I suggest you consider reading as part of your lap band journey). I'm sure I'll be adding more. If you look on the left side of my blog you'll see the shelf of books I'm starting with. Several of them are cook books I'm checking out for ideas on better banded eating. Several others are about how to succeed with the lap band, and a few are on body dysmorphic disorder, since several people wrote to me that they, too are struggling with that.

I also threw on a couple of non-fiction memoirs and novels I've read recently. They are linked to my Amazon store, so if you buy one through my link I'll get a little bit of commission, and that would be wonderful. I keep trying to figure out a way to spend more time blogging, and making a bit of money for it would certainly help! I'll try to keep the shelf updated as I read more. Hope you find something there that will help you on your journey to a new you.

Seeing that cute wooden virtual bookshelf reminded me that I'll never have enough shelf space here in the real world, and what I want to do it about it. Having finally decided that I'll never have enough shelves, I am lusting over the second edition Kendle at the oh, so cool reduced price. I have tried it, and it is wonderful. Easy to see, light, it reads to you in the car, just the greatest invention ever. Well, the coolest invention except for the Kindle DX, which costs more but is worth it because of its increased size and other new features. Oh, I want one!

The idea of being able to carry all my books, blogs, newpapers and magazines around with me, to be able to read in bed without waking up hubby, and well, basically having something so cool just thrills me. (I know, get a life!) If you're like me, and you love to read for fun, for education, for solace when your situation is confusing, and to keep your sanity when all else is going crazy, you too will probably want a Kindle. Oh, I want one.

What Will My Lap Band Scars Look Like?

2009-07-10T19:31:00.000-07:00

Not as Bad as I Feared!

First thing after my surgery I looked down my gown and was stunned to see that I did not have an incision in my belly button. Boy, did I feel stupid! I did a good bit of research on the Realize Band, but somehow I got it in my head that the surgery would be done through my navel and I never got it out. What I ended up with is five incisions: three tiny round ones, one about an inch long, and one about two inches long. They healed really quickly. My doctor told me to keep them out of the sun for one year and they will turn white. If they are exposed to sunshine before that they will stay pink.

Of course, this ruined my plan to wear a bikini the week after the operation -- not! Why do celebrities who have figure issues, scars, etc, wear bikinis? I don't get it. They mostly look great. Then they wear a bikini at 50 and you can see their surgery scars and everyone buys the National Enquirer to see it. Weird.

I will not be doing that. I doubt the Enquirer would care if I did, but even if it would get me in People I would not show my pasty, white, white, white tummy. It's white. And pasty. And now it has five scars.

Here's a picture of the scar placement. To spare everyone National Enquirer style shock, I'm using an illustration for this.

What Does a Lap Band Fill Look Like?

2009-07-09T07:04:00.000-07:00

Here's a very short and sweet video of a fill. I have had one, and IT DOES NOT HURT MUCH AT ALL!!! I am putting this up so you can see what it looks like, but when you actually go, my advice is just breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth, avert your eyes and think about how much weight you're losing.

What Does Lap Band Surgery Look Like?

2009-07-09T06:46:00.000-07:00

Animation of Lap Band Surgery

I watched this simple animation before I had the surgery, and it reassured me once I saw how simple the operation was. I'm posting it here so you can see it too. The scariest thing on this video is the low angle we see the animated tummy from!

Magnifying My Issues: Time for a Makeover!

2009-07-07T10:54:00.000-07:00

Taking Care of Me

Ever feel like you're last in line for your own attention? I do, all the time. Especially this last 12 months, when people in my family have been sick, I've had four operations myself, my daughter is... well, my ADD and highly spirited daughter, and the list goes on. So I'm trying to take some time and take care of myself.

It's hard, though. I'd rather do nothing than concentrate on myself. Sad, I know, but I think a lot of us do this. For example, I will crash in front of the tube and just veg out rather than give myself a facial. Just seems like too much trouble. So, in the spirit of being more self aware in all ways, I'm trying to get back into a little self care.

Step One: A Long Look in (a couple of) Mirror(s)

Oh, Boy. Time to face my... face. First, I bought myself the Conair TM7L-320 Illumina Three panel Make-up Mirror w/4 Light Settings. I had one of these all through college, and it lasted about 20 years. Then one day, much to my shock, it died. That was about a year ago and I had never replaced it. I've been putting my makeup on using a vanity mirror and overhead light since it died, and the results had been a little scary.

In the spirit of facing facts, I also bought a Cheval Walnut Finish Mirror. This is a full length mirror, and if I'd had it before I probably wouldn't have had to have a lap band in the first place. It lets me know how I look, and I need to know.

My Gameplan

Once I could see what I looked like, I realized that I needed some help. I am a person who uses medium priced makeup unless I can get it super cheap. Same with moisturizer, etc. But I am 51, and I want to stay looking that way for at least 20 years.

So I started with Olay Regenerist Daily Regenerating Serum, Concentrated Amino-Peptide Complex, Fragrance Free - 1.7 fl oz, which is the best moisturizer, at any cost, you can buy. Really! They've done several studies and this stuff always comes out on top. It makes you feel comforted and refreshed. And it really does make your skin look better, and in a day or two. I'm on day two, so I know.

Looking closely at my face made me realize how pale and colorless I am. I am a "no sun" person. My skin is so white even the porcelain color of base can look dark on me. For the past couple of years I've been favoring the Bare Escentuals Powder foundation, and I love it, Bare Escentuals Sephora Exclusive Get Started Kit - Fair (74 VALUE for $60).

But in summer if I sweat I can get little riverlets of foundation on my forehead and cheeks. I look like Dustin Hoffman in Ishtar. So I decided it was time to try something new. MAKE UP FOR EVER HD Invisible Cover Foundation is what I settled on, mostly because its supposed to last (have I mentioned the sweating?) and it has so many colors to choose from. They have one that actually matches my skin. This stuff rocks!!!! It's pricey, but it will last me forever, because I'll go back to the powder foundation when it cools off, and remember, I'm taking care of me. So much so, that I decided to try a few other new products, all of which I am thrilled with.

The Frosting on the (Angelfood) Cake

I got a bottle of Benefit Posietint which is a sort of stain for your cheeks and lips. I have Benefit Benetint cheek and lip stain, which I love, but sometimes it's too dark. So I tried Posietint which is pinker and guess what? This stuff rocks!! (Are you sensing a theme here?) Put it on under your foundation and let it dry. It will stay on all day, and sometimes all night. It makes your cheeks a pretty pink like you are Elle McPherson or newly in love, take your pick. It will not sweat off. How many times can I mention sweat in this post?

I also splurged on Benefit Cosmetics Eye Bright because I was on the Benefit page and I had trouble leaving. I would not usually pay this amount for an eye pencil, but I did because I was obviously off my leash. I'm so glad I did because... this stuff rocks, too!!! You apply it to your inner lower lids and to the corner of your eye on the inside and it truly does make your eyes look brighter and you more rested. Which now that I can see myself in my magnifying mirror, I really do need.

Still unable to leave the Benefit page, I then purchased Benefit Cosmetics Automatic Eyeliner Duo Pencil in "call me nutty" not only because I obviously am nutty, but also because this color of brown is great for me. It has a lining tip and a powder tip that smudges. That's pretty much all I need. To top things off I got Benefit BADgal lash mascara in black, because I was obviously being a very bad girl and the name was very suggestible. I think that's why they called it that. BTW, this stuff is wonderful and gives you big fat eyelashes.

Finally, I got some Bare Escentuals bareMinerals 100% Natural Lipcolor because I have found it to be the best lipstick I've ever used. It's creamy, and it lasts. Even if you sweat.

What Next?

I'm getting my poor husband to take my picture as I lose weight, and I swear I'm going to post them. I can't yet because it means I have to admit I am blogging about myself and not someone else. But I promise to put them on here soon. I can't really buy clothing yet because I'm losing more all the time and I don't want to waste money on things I won't be able to wear in a month.

So my next "Taking Care Of Me" thing was having my toenails and fingernails done. While they were working on me I started realizing that I haven't had my hair professionally cut in 5 years. That's right, I whack it off with sewing scissors in the bathtub. I have super curly hair so if its not straight its hard to tell, but even so, I have to admit a real haircut was overdue.

So I went over to Strands hair salon, which I chose because they sold Aveda products, which are expensive. I figured they would probably know how to cut hair there based on the criteria (yep, I left no stone unturned in choosing a salon.) I got there and the very nice, very funny owner with an Italian name cut my hair, all the while exclaiming at how curly it was, how pretty it was, etc. THAT made me feel great!

When I got home I realized that with my new makeup, haircut and mani-pedi I did feel one whole heck of a lot better about myself. I checked myself out in my makeup mirror and marveled at how fresh my makeup looked. Feeling confident, I went over to the full length mirror. And... well, that is going to be a new post entitled "What Not To Wear." But that's okay. I'm sure I'll have a great time buying new clothes when the time comes.

Now, you go out there and do your version of a makeover. You deserve it. And when you finish you will really rock!!!!!

Become a Follower on My Blog, Please!

2009-07-05T21:32:00.000-07:00

A Note On Blogging

I'm tracking reader activity in the blog and I'm thrilled to see I have quite a number of people checking out the blog, and some are spending a good deal of time here. (It's always soul crushing to see the people who stay on the site for five seconds. Maybe I should put some kind of freaky picture up so they'll at least hang around to see what it is!)

But anyway, I love having readers! I spend a good time doing research and writing this, and I'm trying to make most posts educational or informative in some way on the weight loss question. (I'm holding back from wandering off into describing my day, etc, if you know what I mean.) So, if you are enjoying the blog, please become a follower. And please feel free to make comments or suggestions, or ask questions. I think interaction will help me understand what people are looking for in a blog on lapbanding.

I've also got adsense running on the blog, as you can see. If you see anything there that interests you, please check it out by clicking on the link. This is a way for me to get a little bit of money from doing the blog, and it helps with my astoundingly expensive Amazon habit. (I'm ordering cook books, exercise equipment, cooking equipment, books on the psychological problems of overweight people, and lots more. So any little adsense money will help. I'm hoping that if I get enough readers at some point I'll be able to qualify to receive some books free to review.

Thanks so much for reading, and I hope I see an increase in followers and comments, too.

Cookbooks for Lapbanders: Today, Low Fat Cooking

2009-07-05T21:18:00.000-07:00

More Information on Changing the Way You Cook

I'm six weeks in and already I can see that a key to success with this diet is to be sure that the few bites of food you get must be pretty darn exciting, and get that way without being filled with fat. So I'm doing more research on fat free and low carb cook books. Secrets of Fat-Free Cooking : Over 150 Fat-Free and Low-Fat Recipes from Breakfast to Dinner-Appetizers to Desserts looks like it is going to help me a lot. This book requires a lot of reading, but if you like to cook at all you'll appreciate learning new ways to cook without the fat while still keeping the flavor high enough to please your non-dieting family members and friends. Check this one out to get you started with low fat cooking. It gives a lot of alternative ways to up the flavor without the fat.

Taste of Home Low Fat Country Cooking is a cookbook you'll want if you like home cooking and can't stand using tons of specialty ingredients. The book is only available used on Amazon, but it makes a nice addition to your cook book shelf, and one you should check out if your family likes simple, comforting meals.

The Low-Fat Good Food Cookbook: For a Lifetime of Fabulous Food is another book to try. The authors of this book guarantee the food will taste good. That was reassuring. If its not good, I'll only eat it once, then I'm moving on!

The Best-Kept Secrets of Healthy Cooking: Your Culinary Resource to Hundreds of Delicious Kitchen-Tested Dishes is also by Sandra Woodruff. It contains her "best" and "favorite" recipes. This stresses easy low fat cooking, and has a huge variety of recipes. Yum, yum, I can't wait to start cooking with this.

Tomorrow I'll continue with some more book reviews and other suggestions. Yes, I'm obsessed with food. Yes, I want my food to be GOOD. Even if it takes 100 cook books, I'm going to find the best ones. I hope you'll share your reaction to these with me. I'm thinking a collection of low fat cook books that emphasize strategies and alternative ingredients paired with some really good low carb books will allow me to approximate some of the delicious meals I've been famous for for the last 40 years.

Bumps in the Road: I'm Walking Over Them!

2009-07-05T11:58:00.000-07:00

Time to Get Off My, Well, You Know

How many big people do you know that really do a lot of exercise? Really? That many? I think they're lying. Okay, I'm kidding, but you get my point. I did every kind of thing as a child, swim team, dance two times a week, had a horse, had a sailboat, rode my bike four miles to my music lessons twice a week, walked to school, dance team and there's more. Should have given me lots of muscle memory, right? Well my muscles have Alzheimer's Disease.

So, when my surgeon asked if I was exercising, I debated if I could count coming down the stairs in the morning and going up the stairs at night, decided I couldn't, and spilled the beans. He had one thing to say, "If you don't exercise you won't lose the weight." Damn. I was afraid he'd say that.

Facing Facts

It's time to get serious. I have mentioned that I have a Wii Fit. I have pledged to use it three times a week. The thing is fun, I don't know what my problem is. I also have ordered the Malibu Pilates Chair - Accelerated Results Package that I had tried out. Until those arrive, I'm using my Walk Away the Pounds-Complete In-Home Walking System. This is the DVD for people (like me) who need to start slow. It's easy, it's inexpensive, and even the laziest person should be able to make themselves do this. It has one, two and three mile walks. My surgeon asks us to do two mile walks daily. So this should be just the thing. I'm going to do this several times this week, and I'll let you know how its going. So far, so fun!

Wardrobe Crisis in Lapbandland!

2009-07-02T15:29:00.000-07:00

What to Wear?

Okay, a problem has come up. I've lost about 23 pounds, but I'm a good 50 pounds from my goal. What I'd like to do is stay home and hide, watching The Gilmore Girls and ER until I lose that 50 pounds. Instead, I have to go to another city to answer questions at a movie showing.

Let me explain. About 20 years ago, I directed a film about Elvis fans. It was the height of the dead Elvis craze, and I took a crew to Memphis and we made a film about the people who travel there each year to pay homage to the king. It was an absolute blast, we made a really good film, and I showed it in New York at the Independent Film Festival and in Los Angeles at the American Film Institute and it got a great reception and won some awards.

Flash forward to now. A well-meaning friend saw that the TWENTY year anniversary of the premiere of the film was coming up and arranged several showings in Atlanta. Of course, they asked me to come. Here's the problem: (and this is going to sound shallow), I don't have anything to wear. Nothing I own really fits right anymore. I have clothes of all sizes, but anything smaller than what I've been wearing for the last 3 or so years is pretty out of style. I want to look nice, but to be honest, I'd like to look a little more than nice. I lived in Atlanta for 23 years, moved up here five years ago, and I haven't seen many of my friends in all that time.

I want to look hip but casual, I need to be cool (its hot as Hades in ATL), and nothing I have is going to work. I've been wearing Wal-Mart stretch pants more than anything else lately, and that's not going to work. So I've spent the day looking around the internet for something to wear. I've looked at JJill, Coldwater Creek, a variety of plus sized stores, Chico's, and Kohl's. I have seen pretty much nothing that will work. I can't wear a dress yet, since my legs are still too chunky, can't wear short sleeves since my arms are chunky too. Arrrrrgh!!!

All of this sent me to thinking about the past 25 years and how I have been doing this dance that entire time. When the film was originally made, I had just gone through the Optifast diet and lost about 60 pounds, so I looked okay in NYC and LA. But only because I had starved myself for 3 months previous. Since then I've been up and down more times than I can count. I'm sure I'm kidding myself about my friends being judgemental about my weight since they've seen me big and small and every size in between. But that doesn't mean I want them to see me looking dowdy or dumpy or stumpy or lumpy. No matter how great my eyemakeup looks that night, I'm pretty sure people will tear their eyes away from my baby browns long enough to notice if I'm wearing Wal-Mart stretch pants and a Lane Bryant top that doesn't fit right. So today is a low self esteem day. I've wasted YEARS of my life worrying about this same thing and I'm praying this will be the last time a big event comes up that I have to worry so much over what I'm going to wear. Really. It needs to be the last time.

Taking Care of Yourself Even If You're Overweight

2009-06-29T20:49:00.000-07:00

Skinny for a Fat Lady

When I first went to see my surgeon, he looked at me and said, "You're sure you want weight loss surgery?" You see, I'm a little slip of a thing when it comes to weight loss surgery... Just a pound or two into morbid obesity. So why did I choose such a major fix for what some would consider an easily fixable problem?

Well, first off, I was at my highest weight ever on the day of my surgery, a weight I'd been for about a year. And I can tell you that, without the surgery, I would have gotten bigger. My weight has inched up and up, year after year, until I got to the point that I felt like a beach ball on stilts.

I've always had a small waist, larger than normal hips, and heavy thighs, with a smaller top. Not a pear, really, just a bottom heavy hourglass. My waist has helped me look less heavy and I've been able to look quite a few pounds thinner than I am as a result. Then, last year, I started to get a belly. And it kept growing. Now, I know the signs of ovarian cancer, but I did what a lot of overweight people do, I blamed it on my weight. So when all of a sudden my bloated middle wouldn't fit into any of my pants, I, without much thought at all, just assumed it was the next step in my losing battle with my weight. I actually started to look pregnant, and that should have given me a clue, but no matter how big I got, I kept thinking I was exhibiting more weight gain symptoms.

Finally, at a gynocologist's appointment, I mentioned the gain and one thing led to another until I was in the hospital for surgery. It turned out I had a large (volley ball size... gross, I know) benign tumor on one of my ovaries, and a fist sized one on the other. I ended up having a total hysterectomy. I figured the removal of the giant cyst would make my middle slender again, but I was wrong. With the hysterectomy I was plunged into menopause. I got hot in the recovery room and I never really cooled down for the four months it took for me to finally find a doctor to put me on bio-identical hormones. Now I wear a hormone patch, and also use a gel 2 weeks out of the month to reverse my menopausal symptoms. And my middle has shrunk just a bit. I feel a lot better, my mind and memory are clearer, and I'm not hot all the time, just sometimes.

Treat Yourself Right

I bring all this up because I did what a lot of overweight people do. Dismissed classic symptoms because I figured my problems were due to my weight. If I'd been thin and gotten a huge tummy I'd have immediately suspected a problem. Overweight me didn't do this, and it scares me that I didn't. Thank God my tumor was benign!

This whole thing became just another reason that I felt I needed a permanent tool to help me lose and keep off weight. I've been treating myself like a sick person. And my sickness is obesity. It's time to get better, and I know from all my diets and weight gains that there is nothing I can do on my own that will keep me a normal weight. So I chose the lap band and now I'm doing everything I can to bring myself down to a weight that allows me to feel normal. It's a long journey, but I know its one I'll be glad I took.

I've lost enough weight since the surgery that I am starting to feel differently about myself. I was out shopping today and started looking at clothes. I immediately drifted to my "usual" (default dressing), and began looking at a black top with long sleeves. My daughter, who is 7, said, "Mom, you always look like you're going to a funeral. How about some blue?" After a moment I put the black top back and decided its not time to start buying clothes until I can go into a store, see something I like, and buy without compromise. In other words, I need to lose about twenty more pounds. But with the band, I'm pretty sure I'll be ready to shop in about a month and a half. And when I get there, watch out everyone, because I'm getting a whole new wardrobe!

The Realize Lapband: Making a Choice

2009-06-29T12:35:00.000-07:00

Why the Realize Band

If you are considering banding, you'll have a choice between the Lap Band and the Realize Band. After much waffling, I chose the Realize Band. I think its a big part of the reason that I'm not one of those poor people who are out there throwing up all the time.

The Realize Band is structurally different from the original Lap Band, with a narrower band and a softer material to hold the saline solution that adjusts the tightness of the band.

Food gets stuck quite a lot less with the Realize Band. I have been able to eat steak, (yum!), bread (most people have trouble with this) and other "problem foods," no problem! Also, my restriction before the first fill was good enough that I lost over 17 pounds in the first month. Now, less than a week after that fill, I have lost a total of 23 pounds. I'm not hungry, I'm not throwing up, and I feel great. My surgery scars are very small, except for the one where the port was placed, and I'm thrilled with the results so far.

If you are in the process of choosing a band, go to the Realize Band web page and learn about the innovations they bring to the band. I think you'll be glad you did.

Recipes for Lapbanders: Steak!!

2009-06-26T10:55:00.000-07:00

You Gotta Eat!

I was very worried when I heard that a lot of lapbanders can't eat steak. One thing that I am lucky about is that I really like meat. Yum yum! Since they ask you after banding to start your meals with protein, then good carbs (veggies) then bad carbs (bread?), its good if you are a carnivore.

You'll quickly learn that if you don't eat lots of protein you'll be hungry all the time, just like before the band! So, I've been experimenting with all sorts of meats. I started out with steak. Steak is super easy to cook, and if you buy the right cut, is not too expensive, since you'll only be eating a few ounces at a sitting. I go for thin New York Strips.This steak is also called striploin, Delmonico, shell steak,or Kansas City Steaks. Remember that the New York Strip has a strip of fat and gristle along one edge, and you'll want to cut that off before you eat it. You can also try a filet, or tenderloin. The tenderloin is the steak with the least fat, but it is expensive, and usually cut quite thick. That's why I usually choose the strip.

My Steak Cooking Secrets!

To cook a great steak inside, its important to have the right pan. I use the Calphalon One Nonstick 11-Inch Square Grill Pan. This is a GREAT pan! It has raised places that make grill marks on the meat. And the raised lines allow your meat to sit up off of whatever fat is at the bottom of the pan. I spray the pan with Pam, and I use the kind that is made for non-stick pans. This pan is about $50, and you will use it all the time. It makes your food taste better, I swear.

The special heat conducting and surface on Calphalon creates something called "frond" on your food. Frond is the brown stuff seared meat gets on it and it tastes good, honey!! You will love steaks, chicken, pork or fish cooked in this pan.

First, let your steak reach room temperature. I use Lawry's Seasoned Salt, 16 oz * Economy Size on all broiled, grilled or roasted meats. It is the best of all the seasoned salts, and it is like magic on meat. Believe me, if you try Lawry's you'll be amazed how much better your food tastes, and when I use it on Eye of Round roasts and other roasts, people always beg for my secret. They ask, "is it marinade?, sauce? some other lengthy preparation?" Nope. It's Lawry's. On a small steak I salt lightly on one side.

If you have a gas stove you will have more control of the heat you're using. On my gas stove I crank the knob to high and really heat the pan up. This is what you want, because you want to sear the meat first. Once the pan is hot, I turn on my exhaust fan and put the meat in the pan. (This can be a steamy, smokey proposition.) I put the steak in, salt side down, and let it sear. This takes a very short time. Once the steak is seared (you can lift the steak with tongs to see if it is seared properly), I turn the steak and sear on the other side. Then I turn the stove off and let the meat sit there until it is cooked like I like it. I like medium rare to medium steak, so I only take about 4 minutes at the stove (maybe less). If you like your steak cooked more, just leave it on the unlit stove for longer and it will cook more. The more you cook the steak, the harder it is to eat, so keep this in mind.

If you have an electric stove, remember that you have a lot less control on temperature changes. I cook on electric stove a bit differently. I start with a hot pan and high heat, but I remove the pan from the burner often to control the heat. Just turning an electric burner down does not immediately reduce the heat. The element has to cool down first and that takes time. So pull you pan off the heat to cool it and you'll have more control.

Remember, Tiny Bites!

Once the steak is cooked, remove the fat strip, cut into tiny pieces (I cut before I eat so I won't get carried away and eat a big piece), and enjoy! If you want to make a thicker steak, just follow the above directions, but leave the pan on the burner longer. Once the steak is seared, you can turn the heat down and continue to cook until you get it cooked the way you like it. But with a very thin (less than one half inch) steak, you will be shocked how quickly your steak is cooked.

You'll enjoy this steak immensely. I've had no problem eating steak. I cut it small and chew a lot. I usually have white bean mash with this (good, so good) and it increases my protein for the meal. Got questions? Just ask in the comment section and I'll answer.

The Moment of Truth: I Get My First Fill

2009-06-25T19:35:00.000-07:00

No Big Deal!

I had the fill today, and guess what? It was nuthin'! First the very cute doctor explained what he was going to do while I eyed the needle. He told me that he was not going to numb my abdomen, because that hurt as much as the fill. Which, in the end, really didn't hurt.

I don't recommend looking while the needle goes in, because it is not a tiny needle. But it doesn't hurt much at all. Pretty much one pinch. Then he had to guide it into the middle of the port, which did not hurt, though it seems like it should and looks like it should. Then it was over. It literally took about 5 minutes from start to finish. He said he put 2ccs into the band. Just a tiny bit, really. He congratulated me on my weight loss and that was it.

If the fill is worrying you, it shouldn't. I have to say that so far, there hasn't been much of a problem with anything related to the band. I don't really notice that it is more restricted. I'm eating fine, nothing is making me sick. Tomorrow, I'll give you some more recipes.

Getting My Fill: Tomorrow's My First Realize Fill

2009-06-24T11:10:00.000-07:00

There's Restriction, Then There's Restriction

Tomorrow I go to get my first band fill. If you've done your homework, then you know that a fill is when your doctor does a little procedure to start filling the band that is lassoed just a bit under the top of your stomach. When the band is placed, it is placed empty. This provides some restriction. I haven't really been hungry much since the operation, with the exception of the first couple of days after. (My hunger was very, very stubborn.) But now I will have more restriction, which means that I probably won't be able to eat as much as I am now, and that I'm going to really have to pay attention to how big a bite I am taking.

So tomorrow I go to the office, and he will use a needle to inject saline into the port that he placed during my operation. The port is connected to the band by a little tube. The saline fills the band, and the band closes a little tighter on my stomach. I'll be able to eat even less than I have been (which ain't a whole lot!)

They recommend that you eat "band friendly" meals after this. That would be scrambled eggs, hot cereal, soup and the like. I'm wondering what the restriction is going to be like, since so far I haven't thrown up or gotten any food stuck or anything. A couple of times things have hung on the top of my stomach, and I've had to sit up straight, and crane my neck to get it to go down. But these are minor problems.

People say that after restriction you can throw up pretty easily until you get used to the tightness.This is a yucky proposition. I have been happily co-existing with the band, eating quite easily. I've been able to eat whatever I've tried to eat, no problem. So I'm not looking forward to the fill for that reason, and because I am a complete wimp.

Time to Confess

Of all the things I've obsession on over getting the operation, this is the biggest. I don't want him to put that needle in my port. I am a bit of a baby when it comes to needles. Actually, it all started because of a baby. I got gestational diabetes when I had my daughter, so from about month 5 on I had to inject insulin in just about the same place the port is sitting. Sometimes it was painless, sometimes it hurt like hell. So now I hate the thought of having another needle put there.

I'm planning to be a sport about it. I'll do my deep breathing, which has gotten me through childbirth, dental work, and every fight I've ever had with my hubby. It should work fine. I'm going to make a detailed post after the procedure, and I'm going to be honest.

You will have to have regular fills for the first three months after surgery, and then occasionally thereafter for the first three years after surgery. So get ready for a prolonged relationship with your doctor and everyone who works for him. Check in tomorrow evening to get the real nitty gritty on the fill. And take a couple of deep breaths for me, too.

I Wish I Knew What I Looked Like: Body Image Issues Can Be Overwhelming

2009-06-20T18:34:00.000-07:00

Image is Everything, and I Don't Have One

The other day, I talked about dressing by default, pretty much buying whatever clothing is left after I eliminate all the clothing styles I feel are wrong for me. Here are examples of my "problem areas."

My arms. They're chubby with little dimples on the elbow. I hate those dimples.
My legs. Chunky thighs. Don't like to wear dresses, shorts, skirts, jeans. I look lumpy.
Nothing with an empire waist, makes me look pregnant.
Nothing with a dropped waist, makes me look like a baked potato.
No waist of any kind, really. And I never tuck in. Why do some overweight people try to tuck in?
No turtlenecks, I need all the neck I can get.
No large patterns. (I look like a giant size world map.)
No stripes (On me they get wavy!)
No patterns at all, really, I like solids. Actually, I like black.

Cut to the Chase!

Oh, good grief. What I'm trying to to say is I wear long or 3/4 sleeved black shirts and black stretch pants. That's about it. Some of them are cheap (Wal-Mart), and some of them are more expensive (Coldwater Creek, Chico's). But they all look pretty much the same. Black and stretchy. If the weather's hot, I wear light weight fabrics if I can find them. If not, heavy. As you can see, I could hardly limit myself more. And here's the funny thing. I have lots of overweight friends and they wear bright colors, and shorts and wacky patterns and empire waists and I always think they look so cute. I love that stuff on other people. But on me, no. And I've been dressing this way since I was about a size 12. I think its because I have never really known what I look like.

I've never seen a picture of myself where I wasn't shocked by how I looked. Whatever I thought I looked like when I got dressed that morning, that's not how I looked. It's so frustrating not to know what size you are, how old you look, or what you look like in profile. By the way, I am not blind. I have great vision. I just have body dysmorphic disorder.

What is Body Dysmorphic Disorder?

I know it sounds like I have a bad dose of this disorder, but actually, it is very minor case. I don't have any social phobia, which is a hallmark of this syndrome. I'm not suicidal, another common symptom. I just don't know what I really look like, and that's been true since I was an adolescent. If you tend to obsess on some aspect of your appearance, or are shocked when you see a picture of yourself because you are either bigger or smaller than you thought you were, you might want to learn a little about this syndrome.

"Who is that fat person standing between my daughter and husband?" How many times have I thought that, before realizing it was me?

"I was never that skinny!" Pretty much what I think every time I look at a picture of myself at any weight that is lower than my current weight. (Get that?)

What the Hell is Going On?

Why am I this way? No one knows. This syndrome affects men and women equally. It's plagued me my entire adult life and it stinks. Now that I'm losing weight with my lap band (18 pounds so far) I have to ask other people if I look smaller. That really stinks! Right now I'm depending on my 7 year old daughter to tell me how I look. And she always says, "beautiful!" I love that kid, but its hardly a foolproof system.

I talked to my therapist about this, and she said "It's sad you couldn't enjoy how you looked when you looked great." Boy, is she right. I've mentioned before that I had a short run-in with anorexia. The way I cured myself of that disorder was I accidentally saw myself in a 3 way mirror in a Sears dressing room and thought,"Jeez, that girl looks awful. Way too skinny!" After a moment, I realized it was me. I went right home and started eating. It wasn't long before I was on the brink of a weight problem. Yes, I went from dangerously underweight to overweight in a few, dedicated weeks. Sheesh!

Getting Better

My plan for now is to educate myself more on body dysmorphia. I've included links to some books on the disorder at the end of this post. And I'm going to use clothing size and frequent picture-taking to let myself know how I'm doing. Oh, and I'll ask my daughter how I look every day. It can't hurt to hear, "beautiful!" a little more often.

Getting Used to the Change: Lapband Transformation

2009-06-19T10:43:00.000-07:00

Three Weeks Post Surgery and all is Fine?!!!!??

My newest challenge as a recently banded person is getting used to things:

My clothes are getting loose (Not complaining, reporting)
I miss bread (complaining)
I'm cooking more than I'm used to (complaining)
I'm still feeling weak and a bit down (complaining)
Lost 17 pounds (Obviously, not complaining!)

There's a phenomenon you'd better get ready for if you plan on being banded: a big letdown. I'll explain. I worked so hard, for so long, to have the surgery done that I think it was a letdown when I actually had the operation and I still had the entire weight loss journey ahead of me. It reminds me of when I owned my film company. We'd work so long to get relationships going with clients it would always be a shock when we actually had to make the film. Sort of felt like I should get paid for gettting the job, not for doing the job. So seeing months of weight loss journey still ahead is daunting, I'm not gonna lie.

Another thing to prepare for: utter fascination from other people about your band. Not many people know me here. I moved up north, a lifetime southerner, and I've had a hard time making friends her in Jon and Kate plus 8 land. I've been here five years and I have exactly no friends. Me, who had dozens of friends in Atlanta, was highly social, enoyed going out and meeting more people. I've turned into a recluse.

I'm not sure what it is about me and this town, but we don't seem to mesh. I talk to people in the grocery, they look around for security. I make an aside in line at the CVS and people redirect their gaze to the cash register. It's weird. So not too many people know or care that I've gotten the band. But my family does, and my husband's family, and they are beyond interested. They want details. "Do you throw up?" (No) "Are you hungry?" (No) "Do you miss any specific food?" (Bread, see above.)

So you can't wear your feelings on your sleeve when you get a lap band. Get ready to talk about it and try not to begrudge it. Even people who don't have a weight problem deal with food issues and they want to know what you're going through. I'm trying to share info without giving in to any feeling of being examined or judged. A little tough on the ego, (Question: "How much do you need to lose?" Answer: "None of your damn business!") but I'm dealing. It's not like they never noticed I was overweight before. They just didn't feel they could talk about it. Now, if they know you are banding, they're gonna wanna talk. And they're going to say things that might smart a bit. So just get ready.

On the upside, even with just 17 pounds gone I'm feeling fitter, lighter, prettier and younger. Now that is a real benefit. I'm going to keep my eyes on the prize and let the idle comments fly right by me. I've got a long way to go, so I'm not going to sweat the small stuff.

A Surprising Statistic About Lapbanding

2009-06-17T12:23:00.000-07:00

Wow! Danger in Lapbandland

So, my therapist, who is a nutritionist and an expert on eating disorders, casually dropped the following fact: 50% of married lapbanders get divorced. Huh. They don't mention that in the "information giving seminar" I attended, and I'm betting they won't at any you might attend, either. Now a few seconds after she mentioned this, I realized that the divorce rate is 50% in the general population anyway, so maybe this isn't a significant statistic after all. But she says that experts think that it is, just don't ask me how the math works on something like that.

We spent a little bit talking about this, and she opined that, her experience, couples had trouble mostly because the unbanded spouse became threatened by the banded spouse's changing physique. Makes sense, really. When the old gray mare who ain't what she used to be starts bein' what she used to be and better... well... that's gotta jangle some nerves. And I'm sure it changes the dynamics of any relationship for one partner to go through a complete transformation (because it is both physical and emotional.) I immediately said, "I don't have to worry about that, my husband is excited about me losing weight." He is, too.

But I do detect a little bit of anxiety on his part. I've always been the person most interested in food in our relationship, but he's been able to enjoy my fixation vicariously. He has no problem with his weight at all. He can pretty much eat what he wants and stay slim. It means a lot to him when I cook, its one of the only "wifely" chores he seems to really take a lot of notice about. He loves coming home to an aromatic house and sitting down to a plate of hot food, made by someone who loves him. So he's probably worried it will never be like that again. I have been a bit worried about our family meals too. So, I got some bariatric surgery cookbooks, and I'm going to start cooking again.

One thing I've realized, any sort of high protein, low carb diet will work well with the band. Low fat is important too. The doc asks you to eat protein first, then "good" carbs, like veggies, then starchy carbs, like potatoes. So first I hauled out my old low carb cook books and refreshed my memory about some of my old, low carb favorites. Then, my order of bariatric cookbooks arrived, and I got pretty excited.

Most interesting to me is Eating Well After Weight Loss Surgery: Over 140 Delicious Low-Fat High-Protein Recipes to Enjoy in the Weeks, Months and Years After Surgery. This has some promising recipes that are quite sophisticated. The author uses spices and sauces to jazz up what could be some pretty boring fare. She also employs a technique that I have long used to make quick meals taste like they've taken forever to cook: instead of water she uses chicken or beef broth when cooking. This is a fabulous technique I caught on to years ago, and one that will thrill you once you try it out. With the new "soft canned" broths available today, which can be used and then refrigerated, you can keep broth on hand and use it at will. The author was a cook before she had gastric bypass, and developed these recipes with a friend after her successful weight loss. This one gave my imagination a boost.

I also liked Recipes for Life After Weight-Loss Surgery: Delicious Dishes for Nourishing the New You (Healthy Living Cookbooks). This book was written by a nutritionist. She is not quite as creative as the other author, but she makes up for it by including some must have recipes for staple foods cooked in a new way, like oven friend chicken. My only problem with this book is that it is short on the protein. But you can supplement protein using the shakes and drinks that are readily available.

So, now I have two books to help me feed my family. I plan on trying a couple of recipes a week, and I'll let you know how it goes. In the meantime, here's a recipe I made up myself to help me get off the mashed potatoes and increase my protein intake.

Creamy Mashed White Beans

1 Can Great Northern White Beans

1 Tbs. olive oil

1 Tbs. lemon juice

Wash the lumpy stuff off of your beans in a colander. Combine ingredients in a non-stick pot and heat through. Once heated, mash beans and then stir to creamy consistency. (You can adjust oil and lemon juice to your taste.) This will yield about 2 1/2 servings, each with about 7 grams of protein.

This bean mash is great with grilled steak, and pretty much doubles your protein intake for the meal.

The Saga of the Stretch Pants: A Tragic Tale

2009-06-14T12:01:00.000-07:00

Stretch Pants Ruined My Life

Remember when you lived in jeans? How they fit perfectly right out of the dryer and then got looser and looser until you had to wash them so they'd fit right again? Those tight, warm from the dryer jeans kept me honest. I knew when I was gaining weight if my jeans wouldn't zip.

Then, somewhere in the beginning of the 80's I heard about a new store called Express. Forget the Express you know now, a combo of boho and urban chic clothing for secretaries (oops, personal assistants) and other entry level gals of the late 2000's. This Express was the first place I found in Atlanta where I could buy rubber bracelets, brightly colored knit clothing, and unfortunately, stretch pants.

It was pure bliss, how these stretchy pants just kept giving and giving. All of a sudden, I could stay in pants long after I'd passed the size on the tag inside the waistband. It seemed so wonderful at first, being able to fit into clothes pretty much forever, even if you gain weight, And after I got those first stretch pants at Express (coincidentally the last time I was really thin) I gained weight a bit at a time until I reached... well, now.

Dressing By Default

So what do you do when all your clothes are stretchy? You get big. I really don't recommend stretch clothes any more. I think they ruin you. Right now, my daughter, who is 7 and rail thin, is wearing a little getup she fashioned for herself from her closet that features a pair of stretch pants. I really should take those away from her before they make her fat.

The worst thing about being overweight in a way that makes you lumpy or out of proportion in various areas of your body is that you have to wear stretch clothes, and actually, you pretty much have to wear what fits you and what covers you. Even at Lane Bryant and other "big girl" stores, the clothing tries to ape what is in the normal size shops. I understand why, but it is depressing. Why put sleeveless dresses on fat arms? Or sell short skirts that strain to cover chubby thighs? I believe there's nothing sadder than a large person decked out in clothing that is styled for a reed thin model.

So I wear clothes that cover me. And its not very exciting. I pretty much buy what fits and what covers. So I'm looking forward to wearing smaller clothing once I lose weight. I'll tell you one thing, though, I'm not wearing stretch pants. Those things'll make you fat.

Head Hunger From Hell

2009-06-12T20:57:00.000-07:00

Wishing I Could Eat

It's two and a half weeks in and I am not hungry, but still I feel cracks in the resolve. Again, I'm not hungry. But I want to eat. Not just eat anything, but certain things are haunting me. Bread, which I haven't had in 3 weeks. Something sweet, like a cookie, would be great too. Or just more of what I'm eating now would work. 'Cause I'm not eating much. Just a few ounces at a time. And no matter how slow you eat it, it doesn't last very long.

Eating Like A Roman

For a long, long, time, (at least a year), I've been eating what I want. I mean in quantity as well as variety. And you can really lose control doing this. Since I began having a weight problem I have felt I should deny myself things. Even if I'd eat too much, I still would tell myself, "I can't have dessert." Or, "I can't drink alcohol on top of all this food." I'd tell myself to stop short of total indulgence. Then, about a year ago, I just quit that. I pretty much ate what I wanted. It was heaven and it got me bigger than ever. What a surprise!

Now, with the lap band, I'm not really hungry. But my head still wants to overeat. And my head is persistent. It can think of the darndest things to tempt me. My head hunger can remember foods I haven't had in years, have only read about, only had once, just made up right then and there... well, you get the idea. My head hates me, and it wants me to stay fat.

In fact, I could make a case that every fiber of my being, every molecule and atom wants me to remain overweight. It's the culture that wants me to be thin. Our American culture is threatening me on a daily basis. This is a problem, because I'm not planning to leave America. I heard on Oprah about a country where big women are worshiped as desirable above all others. It's a really tiny, poor country, of course. And hot. So I'm not moving there. Instead, I got a lap band and I'm trying to get down to a socially acceptable weight.

But it is truly amazing how your own mind works against you. Like right now I want some chocolate. I'm thinking a Hershey's bar with almonds, which happens to come in a giant size as well as the small size most people are familar with. During my period of total indulgence I had a few of those big bad babies and let me tell you, more is better when it comes to chocolate.

But I've told myself that those days are over for good, and even gone so far as to have myself cut open to ensure my success. So I'm going to try to trick my head hunger by eating low fat chocolate pudding instead of a giant Hershey's bar with almonds. I'm fairly sure my head hunger will know the pudding is low fat. But I'm gonna try to trick it anyway. After all, I'm really not hungry.

Tomorrow is 2 Weeks Since My Operation

2009-06-09T20:35:00.000-07:00

Time Moves Slowly When You're On a Liquid Diet

I hope it ends up being ok, because I started on soft solids today. I'm way ahead of schedule, but I cannot "eat" liquids anymore. I'm starting to feel like a sieve.

I had a little bit of tender meat today with some cottage cheese, and it went down fine, no problem at all. On some days I wonder if he really put the band in there, because you really don't feel anything much that would let you know its there. My incisions are healing, and I'm hardly ever even the smallest bit hungry. Maybe I won't need a fill? Who knows, this is unknown territory.

I got in to the doc's office in 2 weeks, so we'll see what he says.

Things Are Going Great So I'm Freaking Out!

Losing weight is exciting and creepy at the same time. I've lost about 10 pounds, more than a tenth of what I'd love to lose (then I'd be bona fide skinny!), and I'm getting that feeling that you get... A feeling of power. No wonder so many people become anorexic. It is strange to have control over something that has felt so out of control in the past. And I'll admit, I'm looking at clothing sites (NY&Co. is having a sale on tiny clothes!). So that side of things is sort of thrilling.

Then there's the self doubt side. The part of you that thinks "What if I don't keep losing..." or "What if I'm the only person in the world who gets a lap band and gains?' Things like that. THAT part is super creepy. It makes you realize that there is a part of you that is very self-sabotaging. Because this is going well, I'm not hungry at this point, and I'm not going on a tri-county sexual rampage or shoplifting to replace my food obsession with a new obsession (so far, LOL), so I should be happy, right? Why is it so hard to just be happy with results and not question everything?

But if you take out the part where I'm freaking out (a big part), I'm happy. If I'm not careful, soon I'll be able to move down a size in clothing. I have every size in my closet, down to about 10, so all I have to do is shop the closet. I have tons of clothes with tags still on that didn't fit (too small, of course) that I can wear as I go down in size.

It's Been A Long Time Since I Was Thin!

You know how you become invisible as you age? Well, it happens sooner if you are overweight. I've often observed that people will call someone who is thin beautiful when they are clearly not, just well groomed (and thin). And they will call someone who is fat every bad name in the book even though they are, in fact, beautiful. And don't even get me started on the other end of the spectrum, people who say every overweight woman "Really does have a pretty face." That should be considered the new way to call someone a pig. Because when people say that its just a way to say "Boy, is she fat," and still sound nice. Ask a fat girl. She'll tell you someone told her she had a beautiful face just yesterday.

Fat People Unite!

So when you get big, you get a sort of solidarity going with other overweight people, and you feel like you are deserting them when you start losing. And that's another impediment to losing weight.

Oh, here's another thing I hate! When people are overly enthusiastic about your weight loss, just gushing about it, until you know that they thought you looked really, really bad before you lost the weight.. It's sort of like the whole Susan Boyle thing. I mean, even when the judges started praising her, they were insulting her at the same time.

We all want to look nice, to fit in, etc, but I am here to tell you, people are a lot more than their weight. And our society just doesn't seem to realize that enough.

So then I remind myself that I am doing this for lots of reasons, not just to fit into little jeans. I am doing it for my daughter, who is 7, and was born when I was less than a month from 44, and who needs a mom for as long as possible. I am doing it for my husband, who worries about my health. I am doing it for my parents and sisters so I can be of more help to them as we all age. And of course, I'm doing it for myself, so I can stop freaking out at every ache or pain, thinking I'm about to stroke out. Okay... and I'm looking forward to the skinny jeans. They have some really cute ones on NY&Co. for 34.99. So, so cute!

But get this straight, I am not doing it for the skinny jeans... only.

The Low Fat Kitchen and Beyond: Things You Need for Low Fat Cooking

2009-06-07T16:04:00.000-07:00

A List of Invaluable Stuff You Need After
Lap Band Surgery

Thought I'd make a list of things I've found out about during my lap band research. Some things are for low fat cooking, some are for exercise, and some things are just for fun.

The Low Fat Kitchen - A Dream List

It can cost a bit of money to get things set up, but you'll find that you use many of these items all the time, and you are saving your whole family from eating extra fat and calories when you cook using these products.

Non-Stick Pans. Non-Stick is the only way to go if you are trying to save on fat. And after trying lots of brands, I've settled on Calphalon One . These are the best pans I've found for any kind of cooking, but especially low fat. Calphalon has several lines of cookware, and this is a mid-line product. I'm sure any of their lines will work for the purpose of using less fat when cooking.

I thought long and hard before I bought this set, and I'm glad I decided to go ahead and spring for it. It was expensive, so I kept hinting around near Christmas, and my husband got them for me.

Since then I've discovered that they put pieces on sale all the time at a discounted price, and I've used these promotions to add my collection. If you are doing family cooking, you need a set of cookware. If you only cook for yourself, you can get a grill, a small pot with a lid, and a medium or small fry pan and that's all you need. This is a lifetime set of pots if you treat them right, so though they're expensive, use them properly and they will serve you well.

Wilton Easy Flex Silicone Spatula 3 Piece Set If you get the lap band, you're going to need spatulas. They are the only thing that will get the various things you blend and puree out of the blender. I like silicone spatulas because they are heat resistant. (What a wonderful invention!) This means you can use them to scramble eggs, too. A great, inexpensive addition to your low fat kitchen.
Tovolo Standz Avocado Slicer If you're like me, you'll be eating a lot of avocados after your lap band. A great little tool that slices your avocado for salads. Makes a messy chore very easy, and helps you get your "good fats."
Oster BPST02-B Professional Series Blender Any blender will do, but this is a great one. You'll need this to blend foods right after surgery, and later to make sauces and protein drinks.
Chinese Chef's Cleaver This is an inexpensive Chef's cleaver; you might want to get a more expensive one. I cooked for years without good knives and I don't really know why. I just didn't think they were necessary. If you only have one good knife, this is the one to get. You can chop anything with it, it's great for slicing veggies, you can use the top to tenderize meat, and even use the handle as a pestle to grind spices. A wonderful tool.
Oxo Good Grips Ice Cube Tray You can use this to freeze low fat milk to put into your protein drinks.
KitchenAid Cook For The Cure Measuring Tool Set, Pink Gotta measure things to make sure you're eating the right amount of things. This is a nice set.
Progressive International Microwavable Fish and Veggie Steamer Cook your fish and veggies in the microwave using this nifty set. Easy, clean way to fix fish.
Nordic Ware Microwave Tender Cooker 2.5 Quart Everything you eat, post banding, goes down easier if it is tender and juicy. This little gadget makes tender foods super quickly.
Progressive International Microwavable Mini Steamer About the size of a cereal bowl, this little steamer works great for making a couple of servings of veggies.
Oxo Good Grips 8-Inch Double Rod Strainer Perfect way to strain soups and broths during the pre-op diet. Later, it helps with making soups and more. Doubles as a colander, too.
Nordic Ware Microwave Plate Cover 11 Inch Diameter This is a must! You'll be using your microwave a lot, and this will keep it remarkably clean.
Pyrex Storage 10-Piece Set, Clear with Blue Lids Gotta have storage! You'll be making soup a lot, and you'll have leftovers. This set is great, because you can store the soup in the bowl, and then heat it and eat it from that same bowl. A great set I can't live without.
Misto Gourmet Brushed Aluminum Olive Oil Sprayer Wonderful way to use the least amount of oil possible. This mister stays by my stove, and I use it all the time.
Oxo Good Grips Fat Separator, 4-Cup Use this with broths and gravies to remove as much fat as possible before serving. This is great for dieters, but really for everyone, because no one should be eating all that fat!
Oxo Good Grips 3-Piece Funnel and Strainer Set Two different size funnels, and a little screen that strains liquids as they are poured through. They nest for storage. You will need a funnel to make bottles of Crystal Light to drink, and for many other things
Cuisinart CSB-76 Smart Stick Hand Blender Great thing to have to make the all-important protein drinks. Allows you to blend in your cup, rather than messing up the blender.
Emsa Perfect Beaker Measuring Beaker Provides measurments of all types. Has a top so you can shake ingredients in it. Pours with no dripping. You'll use it all the time.
Escali Primo Digital Multifunctional Scale Cool scale! Measures small amounts, which makes it perfect for dieters. It comes in all sorts of cool colors. Very accurate, and its small size makes it so easy to store.
Norpro 4-Piece Silicone Mini Flexible Pinch Bowl Set, MulticoloredCool little bowls that can be pinched to make a spout. Great for assembling ingredients before you start cooking.
Norpro Egg Rite Egg Timer If you don't have a timer, this one is great. You'll find that eggs will probably become a big part of your diet after the band. This timer can be put into the water, and it will tell you exactly how cooked the eggs are, from soft to medium to hard and all stages in between. This thing rocks!!!!!
Fusionbrands Poach Pods, Set of 2 Another invaluable egg tool. If you like eggs, you'll want to eat them often after banding. You just crack the egg into the pod and put into a pan with 2 inches of water. Cover and cook until they are done to your taste. Take out the pod, pour any water off the top of the egg, and slide a knife around the edge to loosen egg, and slide into bowl. Yum yum!

Exercise Stuff

Wii Fit The Wii Fit is a super cool new way to exercise. My daughter has the Wii game, so my husband, at my request, got this for me for my birthday. You have to buy the Wii game to use the Wii Fit console, so this is a pricey buy. What you get with the Wii Fit is a balance console. When you set it up it helps you figure your BMI (Body Mass Index). You give it certain information and it makes a profile for you that includes your Wii Fit age. This is the age you really are, with your weight and other information added in. There are 4 categories of activities, strength training, aerobics, yoga and balance games. The console keeps track of your progress, and lets you know as your BMI improves. Your private information (like your weight) is lockable. Up to 8 people can set up their own profiles. This is fun way to get in shape in the privacy of your living room. The Wii Fit rocks!

Malibu Pilates Chair The Malibu Pilates Chair helps you sculpt long and lean muscles in the privacy of your own home. Like most exercise machines, it works if you use it. This one works really well, and offers both cardio and weight training in the same machine. Great for balance. This chair, at Amazon, is a better price than on TV or on their web site, and includes 4 workout DVDs, a manual and an eating guide.

From One Strange Way of Eating to Another...

2009-06-07T13:53:00.000-07:00

More Weird Food: Minced Poached Eggs and Turkey

So today I've been a little more sore from the surgery. It's been 12 days, and I think I probably overdid it yesterday, trying to help my mom with housework, carrying the dog around, and generally throwing caution to the wind. This habit I have of being lassez faire is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. I've always been one to push the limits of the rules (especially silly ones), and this always catches up with me in the end. Today I am experimenting with pureed food. Since I keep having trouble getting enough protein in, I thought I'd try a meat and egg breakfast.

First I poached 2 eggs. I use Fusionbrands Poach Pods when I make poached eggs. They are the easiest and neatest way to make poached eggs. Just crack your eggs into the little silicone cups and set them in a pan filled with about 2 inches of water. Then cover. Cook for at least 4 minutes, I like them pretty cooked, so I go 5 minutes. Then lift them out of the water.

Take a knife and run around the edges of the egg to loosen it, and then slide them into your bowl. The pods are super easy to keep clean, and work better than any of the little electronic gadgets that I've tried.

Once you have your poached eggs, you can cut or chop them up until they are in tiny pieces. Some of you might want to put them in the Magic Bullet Express High-Speed Blender when they are cooked instead of cutting them up, but for me, cutting them works fine.

Now you can eat them. I eat mine with a couple of slices of deli delight turkey and use the turkey slices like bread to get the egg yellow up. Remember to chew the turkey like crazy and take very small bites if you are in the pureed food stage.

This meal works fine for breakfast or lunch and is heavy on the protien, since each egg has 7 grams and the turkey has about 2 grams.

Love Food or Hate it, Ya Gotta Eat Something!

2009-06-06T00:50:00.000-07:00

I love food. And sometimes, love hurts.

As I've mentioned before, loving food and eating as a celebration, a reward, and a way to show others appreciation is part of what got me to the point that I had to consider the lap band. It was a hard decision, to diminish the love in my life. No one really has all the love they want, and here I am, purposely getting rid of a reliable source of happiness and joy.

I feel silly talking about food as a source of joy, because loving to eat has become almost taboo in our society. Everyone is so afraid they'll get fat, they tend to look upon the excitement and contentment that a good meal can bring them as a trap, that when sprung, will disfigure them and reveal their innermost shameful need for comfort. So on the one hand, you have people eating for pleasure, who get big and that makes them unhappy. On the other hand, you have people who eat meager meals and unexciting foods, but they remain slender and that is a big payoff.

I'm sure that are many people who can eat for pleasure who don't go too far, but they are not the ones our society seems to notice. It's all this "My struggle to be thin", and "How I lost 100 pounds", and "winners and losers" that we hear about. And of course, the people who really cheat, by eating nothing (anorexic) and everything (bulimic), whose thinness makes all of us feel inadequate. It really is awful what, we, as a society, have come to in regards to food.

All of this is part of the reason I chose the band. I wanted a tool that would allow me to still participate in normal eating activities. With the band, I will be able to sample Christmas dinner, not sit there with a plate of food I picked up from a diet service. With the band, I can eat normally enough that if I go to dinner with someone I haven't confided in about my operation,can order and eat from a menu without causing too much notice. And I can still love to eat! Just eat less. A lot, lot less.

Progress Report

It's been ten days since my surgery, and my incisions are healing very well. I've had a couple of bad eating moments when I ate too fast (something I always did before the band) and got choked or food got hung up. When this happens, it feels like something is stuck in your throat. It doesn't interfere with breathing.

I'm working hard to be mindful when eating now. Mindful eating is something I've been trying to do for years, but its part of my eating problem that I kind of blank out when eating. Can't tell you how many meals I've had where I suddenly realize I've finished my plate, and hardly remember eating the food that was on it. So I've never been successful at staying focused when I'm eating. But trying not to get food hung up is helping me stay more aware while chewing. Maybe I'll finally get a hold of this problem. It's my theory that if I am more aware while eating, I won't always want more food. I'll get more out of each eating experience, and stop pining for more and more. I'd love to get to a point where a meal is just a meal, and not the only important thing in my day. Stick with me and we'll see if I get there.

Whoa boy! My first problem with the band!

2009-06-03T16:44:00.000-07:00

An Unexpected Pain in the... Stoma?

I've been getting pretty cocky in regards to the band. So far, I've been able to go to pureed and soft foods without a hitch. So today, I ate my breakfast, and about an hour and a half later I got hungry again, and decided to eat some Deli Delight Turkey to try to stay satisfied.

I did this rather casually, without much attention to chewing. On the second piece it happened -- a very sharp pain at the top of my stomach. Yikes! The food was stuck at the entrance to the stomach. I felt freaked out for a second, then decided I was okay, and stretched out to my full height and felt it slip into my stomach. But it did hurt. And it reminded me that my old, casual eating habits are not going to work with this band. So when I eat again (I haven't yet) I'm going to chew like crazy.

Eating too much, too fast, for too long

How did I come to eat too much? I've been thinking about that today, and it once again takes me back to our family dinner table. My parents insisted on family meals. This meant we all sat together (five of us), and ate our dinner.

My mom was what I thought of as the world's best cook. Raised in Kentucky where the vegetables are fresh and the meats homegrown, she could fry a pork chop or chicken perfectly, roast tender meats, and knew how to cook veggies with seasoning (bacon grease and onions) that would make you want to cry they were so good. Squash and mashed potatoes, green beans with onions, corn on the cob dripping with butter, sliced tomatoes, biscuits or rolls, dessert after every meal. Salads could be fruit with mayo and shredded cheese. Gravy ruled. It was all SO GOOD! And it seemed like plates-full and bowls-full of love to me. I couldn't get enough.

So one thing that made me eat too much was the food was good. I talked about this before, and its true. Good food makes you want to eat more, there's no doubt. And that full feeling. If you've had it, you know what I'm talking about. That feeling that makes you want to curl up and daydream, sit back and feel content, or maybe just go to sleep. That's another great feeling from my childhood.

Childhood Eating in Adulthood?

When we were small, it was great that we ate a lot. We were so active we needed the fuel. We rode bikes, swam, ran, rode horses, jumped rope, played tag, walked all over and cartwheeled constantly. We took dance lessons twice a week, rode bikes several miles to piano lessons twice a week, rode bikes to the stables to take care of our horse (which required shoveling and hauling bales of hay and wood shavings), had a sailboat, went to camp, were Girl Scouts, and more. No wonder we were hungry and thin! We moved around constantly. It wasn't until we were teens that the motion slowed, and by then our eating habits were set in stone. A big dinner, yum, yum! A bigger dinner on Sunday, double yum. (Pot Roast every Sunday.)

We started to round out in good ways and some not so good. But how to cut back? We had no idea, really. We subscribed to the "eat a well rounded meal and you'll be healthy" rule. And we were healthy, just starting to look a little TOO healthy, I'm afraid. This is when I started to abstain from eating. Not a great approach. I've written a lot of my dieting history in this blog, and it makes sense if you go from the oldest entry to the newest. I suffered from anorexia for a short time, am a failed bulimic, and have yo-yoed since I was about 16.

Anyway, just remember to CHEW! And eat slowly. And cut your food into little pieces.

A Few Realizations

2009-06-02T20:31:00.000-07:00

Eating for One Now

If you're considering getting a lap band, here's something you should consider as well: though you won't be able (theoretically) to eat a whole lot, and you (we hope) won't be very hungry, you'll still WANT to eat. Get ready to use some self control!

Pureed Meal Recipe: Filet Mignon and Mashed Potatoes

Tonight I made myself a pureed meal. It was my first try at this type of meal, and it came out well, maybe too well.

First I bought some filet mignon. (When buying beef, remember that the darker red it is, the less marbleized it is. Marbling is the amount of fat in the meat.) I bought some very dark red filet. This is an expensive cut, but don't worry, you're going to get several meals from one steak. At least 3, maybe 4, because you just don't use that much.

Filet mignon is the tenderest part of the cow, as well as being extremely low in fat. Filet is usually cut quite thick, and this piece was about one and a half inches thick. I heated my pan up very hot and seared the meat on both sides and on the edges, then turned the heat down and cooked the meat through, turning it once.

You can tell a steak is done when it is firm to the touch. Press firmly into the center of a steak. Soft is very rare, barely discernible resistance is rare, definite resistance is medium rare, firming up medium. You want your steak to be about medium. Don't cut into the steak to check for doneness, cutting it makes the juices run out, and dries the meat out.

I use a Calphalon Contemporary Nonstick 11-Inch Square Grill Pan when I grill steak, fish, or chicken, as it adds frond to the meat, which is the brown crust that tastes so yummy. You'll be amazed how much better your meat and chicken tastes using this pan! It's also non-stick, which is great when you're trying to save calories and fat.

In most cases, you would not want to cook filet to more than medium rare, since it dries out due to the low fat content. But for this recipe, I was going to grind the meat up and wanted it cooked medium. I didn't add anything to the beef at all before cooking.

After the meat was cooked I put it in the Magic Bullet Complete 21 Piece Mix and Chopping System
(an indispensable tool for pureed meals) and chopped it up on "pulse". I added a little fat free beef broth to the beef in the bullet to keep the meat moist. It only took a couple of pulses to grind the meat up into very small pieces.

Then I made some mashed potatoes, using those steam and eat potatoes from ore-ida. I used 1% milk when I made the potatoes.

Then I took 3 tablespoons of the chopped up beef and 3 tablespoons of potatoes and mixed them together making 6 tablespoons of food. (That's all we are supposed to eat at one meal.) I added salt and pepper and a tiny bit more of the beef broth.

Oh. My. God.

Then I ate it VERY slowly. It was SO delicious! I'm so tired of blended soup and broth I was in heaven. This was a great meal, and it filled me up for about three and a half hours, which was fantastic. But I have to admit, I wanted more! I wanted to taste it more, chew it more, etc. So that is going to be a battle. It made me realize that in the past I have eaten so much food when I'm not hungry. I don't think I even noticed that I was eating when I was full. This is going to be an ongoing issue, I'm sure. It will take a long time to get used to not feeling like I'm about to burst after eating a meal. That super full feeling has been a part of my life for a long, long time.

Uh Oh! Eating too much is fun!

Thinking about this took me back to our family dinner table. My mom always cooked enough food for leftovers, and I have always done the same. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've never cooked a meal for my family that didn't have leftovers. I have always had a huge fear that I won't make enough food for my family or guests.

At parties I put out a tremendous bounty, and people love to come to my house for that reason. I've always seen cooking and entertaining as a generous activity, and actually think negatively of people who throw out a veggie tray from the supermarket and call it a buffet. In fact, I am realizing that I've always considered it rude, miserly and even low class! (Glad I'm not too judgmental!)

Cooking too much just naturally leads to eating too much, at least it has in my case. Having all that food around has made me feel safe, like nothing bad can happen. When the cupboard is bare, I feel anxious, worried, even scared. And I did not live through the Depression!

Facing Facts

When I have a lot of food on the table, I feel happy, that's all there is to it. So this thing of eating 4-6 tablespoons of food is going to be interesting. And cooking for my family is going to be interesting, too. Another slew of habits I need to try to break. There are so many! But here's the thing, I intend to break them. Tomorrow I'll let you know how the pureed meals are going, share another recipe, and some more products to make life easier. Oh, and I've lost 7 pounds!

PS - Forgot to tell you, the protein supplement in the soup was... not great. I'll try to figure out something else.

4 days and 8 Pounds Down, ?? To Go!

2009-06-01T16:27:00.000-07:00

I'm finally in shape to write. I have lots to report.

The Big Day!

I had the operation on Wednesday in the afternoon. I woke up and had enough pain that I got all of the pain meds they would let me have, then the moved me from recovery to a waiting area, where my husband was hanging out. It took about two more hours to be able to leave, and I've never been so happy to leave anywhere. I hate the hospital.

We went home and I flopped on my couch, which I had set up as a recovery area for a few days. I bought a CoolMax twin mattress topper to put on the couch, and treated myself to two new pillows and cases. Before the operation I also bought an egg poacher, a back scratcher, and a magic bullet blender (as seen on tv!) The couch is comfy and I can watch tv and be close to the kitchen in case I need to make some kind of food for myself (though my husband is supposed to be helping and he really has done a great job.)

That night I was sore. I checked out my abdomen, and boy was I shocked! I thought the doctor went in through the belly button, but no, I have four small holes and the appr. two inch cut where he installed the port. It's all well above my navel. So I felt really stupid for all the people I told that I was getting it through the navel. Duh!

The couch was a good idea for another reason. I am a stomach sleeper. Being on the couch keeps me on my back. With the mattress topper and pillows I feel like the Princess and the Pea. I woke up on Thursday very sore and very hungry. This was a shock as everyone told me that I would not be hungry. So I ate jello. It went down well and I felt fine. For the rest of the day I "ate" clear liquids and jello. I took my meds and drowsed. Same thing the next day. And I was hungry!!!

On Saturday I switched to full liquids. I made a big mistake, though, and that was that I waited too long to order my protien supplements. You must have supplements to hit the goals they set for protien. I went to the Bariatric Eating site and ordered some flavorless supplements. I had gone to the drug store and bought some chocolate shake style supplement. That made me feel ill, I just hate the taste. I'm hoping this flavorless protein will work in my soups.

On Sunday night I was still starving, so I decided to try something new. I poached two eggs and then chopped them into tiny pieces. I also got 2 slices of the Deli Delight sliced turkey. I ate both, chewing like crazy, and I felt full for the first time since the operation. My doctor says we are supposed to have full liquids for 10 days, but there was no way. So today, Monday, I had two eggs again, and have had some of the deli meat and a couple of slices of avocado. All went down well and I'm much better satisfied. I am also having cream of chicken soup with protein powder, as my supplement has arrived. I'll let you know how it tastes.

All of this is humbling, to say the least. You tell yourself you don't eat all that much, but if you need a lap band, you eat too much. It's really shocking when you look at the tiny amount of food you are allowed after surgery and then remember what one of your meals consisted of just last week.

I'm going to try my protein soup, and then I'll let you know if it was a success...

Tomorrow's the Big Day!

2009-05-26T21:08:00.000-07:00

So This Is It!

Tomorrow, after a year and a half of effort and waiting, I'm finally going to get my band. My journey has been longer than most; I had a hysterectomy and half of my thyroid out this year and that prolonged my wait time. I also had some problems with insurance, and a couple with the doctor's office. But I really don't care. I'm so glad to get to this point, all of that is a dim memory. My surgery won't be until 4 pm tomorrow, and by then I ought to be good and ready. My husband is off from work to come with me, and my mom is taking my daughter for the day. So my worries are few and I should be able to concentrate on myself for a change.

I will only be able to drink liquids for two days following surgery, then I'll be back to soup pudding (blended soup.) If I don't feel too bad, I'll try to write something tomorrow to let you know how it went, etc. I've been drinking and drinking water, since most times I've had surgery they haven't been able to get a vein due to dehydration. We'll see if it works.

Waiting for this surgery has been trying, and I'm not really good at waiting for things. I've had to keep my goals in mind and not get defeated. I suppose this whole journey to a new (or old) me will be that way. It's not going to happen quickly, but I'm hoping for success. Wish me luck!

Pre Operative Diet: Not So Bad! But I Want A Hamburger

2009-05-25T17:03:00.001-07:00

Crystal Light. Lots and lots of Crystal Light!

So I'm on Day 3 of the Pre Operative Diet for the Realize Lap Band. Sounds so official! So far, I've eaten blended soups (sort of like soup pudding), Cream of Wheat, pudding pudding, gallons of water with Crystal Light (can you eat water?), yogurt, and some protein supplements. Here's a report:

Blended soup isn't all that bad if you just dive in and try not to think too much about it.

Cream of Wheat keeps me satisfied longer than anything.

Now we come to protein supplements... yuck. I don't like what I bought, which is a chocolate shake kind of thing. Don't like it, not at all. So I made it up and then added some chocolate milk, which made it better.

Oh My God, I'll Never Have Dinner With My Family Again!

Then I jumped on the computer and found a GREAT site. Bariatric Eating. This site is fabulous and made me feel infinitely better about my future as a wife and mother with a lap band. There's a large section of yummy looking recipes for your stage 5 eating pleasure. It thrilled me to think that I might be able to continue to cook for and eat with my family, and as I said, lots of the food looks delicious. I've been sitting around mourning the loss of the family meals, but this site makes me hopeful that we'll all be sitting down to eat together in a short time. So that was a great relief. Check out the site, and be sure to look at the products they have for sale, most of which aren't easily available. Then look at the recipes, and advice. Very encouraging!

I remember when I was pregnant with my daughter, I was telling a friend about all my pregnancy woes. She said, "Being pregnant is a blip on the radar of your marriage. It goes so fast, you'll hardly remember it." Well, I DO remember it, but I know what she meant. I'm hoping the lap band experience will be similar, in that when I look back on these six or eight weeks of extreme dieting the memory will be fuzzy. Very fuzzy, I hope. Cause I'm hungry right now. Time for more soup pudding!

4 Days Pre-Op Diet of Liquids Only? If I thought I could do that, I wouldn't need a band!

2009-05-22T17:14:00.000-07:00

Last Supper

Tomorrow I start the preop diet. I looked at the list of "foods," which includes water, Crystal Light, jello, broth and not much more. It made me nervous. The last time I fasted it was the great Optifast debacle. I got engaged during that fast and practically threw the ring in my fiancee's face. Probably part of what doomed the union.

Thinking about the fast has me, of course, thinking more about eating than not eating. I've always loved to eat, and think about eating, write about eating, just about anything about eating. Oh yeah, I forgot -- dream about eating. I've had some of my absolute best meals in my dreams. I'm a meat and potatoes girl, always liked to eat a big dinner and don't spare the gravy. Don't get me wrong, I love cake and sweets too, just not as much as the main course.

Caged Heat

I think I was doomed to weight gain, since I liked dinner and my mom liked to make it. I mentioned the great pork chop battle I had with my dad in high school, but that wasn't the only time in my life I saw red over leftovers. In a strange twist of events, my New Orleans (Metairie) public high school was non-coeducational. That's right, I went to, at the time, the biggest all girl high school in the country. Hundreds of over-hormoned, boy crazy, teenage girls jammed into an undersized school and some portable buildings. With a 15 foot fence around the whole mess. We were victims of the Baby Boom, so we not only were non-coeducational, we were "on platoon." This meant we went to school from either six a.m. in the morning to noon, or noon until six p.m. This schedule meant NO LUNCH.

Never Enough Food

Oh my God, I was hungry. I could hardly pay attention in class. If I had the early shift, I never got up in time to eat (I actually slept in the next day's school clothes to save time getting ready for the bus.) If I was on the afternoon shift, I would stay up late at night, figuring I could sleep late and catch up, so I was always late for the bus and skipped lunch and breakfast. Because of this, I was so hungry on the way home from school I could hardly think of anything but whatever food I'd hidden in the fridge to eat upon arriving home. If someone ate my stash, I became livid, panicked, absolutely freaked out.

Food became very, very important to me. (One time, my sister, as a joke, ran into my room at 2 a.m. and yelled, "You overslept! You'll miss the bus!" I jumped up and ran for the bus stop. Since it was always dark when I went to the bus, I didn't think anything of it being pitch black outside. I stood at the bus stop for about 15 minutes and then decided I'd missed the bus, and trudged home. When I saw it was 2:15 a.m. I began crying hysterically and went to the kitchen for something to eat. At that moment, food seemed like my only friend, and for once, I was up early enough to eat some.)

The "Perfect" Job

Four long years of this craziness set me up to obsess on food constantly. My senior year in high school, I got a job at a PoBoy shop, and finally, I got enough to eat. Working at the sandwich shop was absolutely the wrong job for a food obsessed teen. I realized quickly that I could spend the year trying to perfect the best, most delicious sandwiches, tweaked specifically to my tastes, that I could construct.

I grilled ham and cheese on French bread with dijon and mayo... Ate roast beef with chopped raw cabbage, gravy and mayo... Tossed fried oysters into my mouth while I mixed up my famous "green" potato salad (parsley is the secret ingredient)... And on and on. At this point I was still thin. I gained some weight, but amazingly, not very much. But working at the sandwich shop, with an abundance of ingredients at hand, I became habituated to idiosyncratic eating. Eating exactly what I wanted, made the way I wanted, exactly when I wanted (and often with mayonnaise.) This habit has followed me throughout my life, and has complicated every diet I've ever tried. My sweet husband, after living with me for a while said,"I know the secret to staying thin. Don't eat anything that tastes too good. Your food is always too good." I know it is, Babe. I've been working on it for years.

Why the Lap Band?

It's a risk, I guess, for me to be getting the lap band. I mean, I obsess over food now. How will I be when I can't eat what I want, when I want, made exactly the way I want (often with mayonnaise)? I don't know. Stick around and we'll find out. More about why I chose the lapband later, and I'll share my famous "vegetarian" spaghetti recipe, too. (Secret ingredient, beef broth. Don't tell.)

Here Comes the Band! My Lapband Journey

2009-05-21T21:47:00.000-07:00

Six Days Before Lap Band Surgery for the Realize Band

I feel like I'm getting ready to jump off of a cliff... Tomorrow, I will go to the store to shop for the liquids that I am allowed to "eat" after my lap band surgery on Wednesday. Saturday I start my all liquid diet, meant to shrink my liver for the surgery. Four days of all liquids. If I could fast on liquids for four days, would I be letting someone put a lasso around my stomach so I can lose weight? I'm beyond nervous... can't sleep... I keep thinking about how much I love to eat, to plan meals, to cook and serve food. In a few days I'll be entering a whole new phase of my life, and I don't expect things ever to be the same.

From Tab to Lap Band, My Diet History

I was a skinny kid. There's a picture of me standing in front of my house, skinny legs sticking out of my Brownie uniform, look woebegone and pitiful. I remember feeling like my bathing suit would slip off when I dove into the pool at summer camp.

Hungry, So Hungry!

I stayed slender through high school, but the groundwork for my weight problem was being laid. Our family LOVES to eat. Food marked every celebration and holiday. My mom cooked our favorite meals on our birthdays. (Mine was fried chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans, biscuits. I rest my case).

We lived in New Orleans and I learned to cook and it was all southern style. Fried, smothered, gravy, butter, these were all words we flung about with abandon. Salad could be a canned pear half with a dollop of mayonnaise and some grated cheese. Yummy! A "snack" after school could be last night's leftovers.

I remember becoming irate with my father one afternoon after school when I discovered he had found and eaten the fried pork chop I'd hidden in the back of the refrigerator, discreetly wrapped in tin foil. I was so mad my face got hot, my vision blurred. That was MY pork chop. No matter how many pork chops I've had since, none of them has been as good as that one was going to be. Not one.

Getting Down to the Real Nitty Gritty

High school came, and all the social events that go along with it. During this time I began to flirt with anorexia. Got pretty skinny (96 pounds) by stopping eating all together. I felt light and powerful when I was skinny, but I missed food. Then I tried bulimia. Didn't like throwing up, so that was out.

Can't Starve, Can't Throw Up, What Now?

Thus began my dieting adventure that has lasted for 33 years. Thirty three years where I made New Year's resolutions, bets, bought clothing that was too small so I'd want to lose weight and get into it, and bought clothing too big so I could gain a little and still have something cute to wear. Thirty three years where I dreaded summer and swimsuit weather. Thirty three years of moving from the "regular sized stores" to the "big girl shops" and back again. Thirty three years of being afraid to get rid of any size clothing because I might gain into it or lose into it. Of having closet bursting to the seams with nothing that fits.

I Was Skinny, Baby!

After high school I had a summer job at a theme park and appeared in the magic show. I was super thin and my legs were tanned. I got a lot of attention. I looked so cute in my costume with the moons and stars sewn on it. It was hot and the thought of food was sickening, so I got thinner and more popular. By the end of the summer I was a waif and I could have had any man in a mile radius of the park. But winter came and it was time to hibernate and eat chilli. In a few months I was back to normal size, and not nearly as popular.

Getting Serious about Dieting

So, I decided to diet. My first diets were low tech. I didn't eat for a week and I lost weight. I was young, and it worked. Usually took off five pounds. Not too hard, and I had Tab. Then, when I went away to college a new wrinkle sprang up, I was one of the very few people at school who knew how to cook. I had a little house, decorated bohemian style, and a persona to match. I wore gauze skirts and jingle jewelry and I cooked giant meals for all of my friends. It made me feel famous to serve "the world's best vegetarian spaghetti" to all the cute guys from my classes. (My secret? Beef broth! Makes it taste just like meat, tee hee!)

I cooked all the time and we ate a lot of pasta and bread.

My first "Man Weight"

After three years I had gained a few. Then I moved to Austin, Texas, with a boyfriend and ate my way through an ill-fated nine months with no job and a failing relationship. (I packed on twenty pounds of depression weight, though I did enjoy the food I ate while I was depressed, and even though it was 27 years ago I can remember whole meals perfectly. Sour cream was my main ingredient during that period.)

Trying "The Easy Way Out"

When Austin was a bust, i was back at home with my parents and looking for a job, I got skinny again. Dexatrim. That was my method. Oh, and a friend sent me to a "doctor feelgood" where I got amphetamines so easily and cheaply that I was afraid to go back, sure that the place would be raided while I was there. But that speed worked great! I was so not hungry and I cleaned up my room and then the rest of the house and lost 25 pounds. Go drugs!

A friend and I decided to move to the city and we took our Dexatrim with us. Our regime was this: Wake up in fleabag motel. Shower and get dressed. Go out, avoiding street people and pimps to look for jobs. Meet back at home. Go to the corner (avoiding hookers and pimps) for one small McDonald's hamburger each. Eat burgers. Take more Dexatrim and a nap. Go out to clubs where we drink ice water due to brokeness. Go to bed, setting alarm for the next morning. I was super skinny, baby.

So skinny, in fact that I was wearing size three jeans from the Gap. I looked and felt great, and my photos from that time are perfect from any angle. My boyfriend worked for a band, was super cute and super confident. He was cool, and he was hot, and so was I! But even at size three a jerk in the band told my guy I had a big butt and my guy told me. How could the jerk tell my butt was big in those tiny jeans? I was sad that even at 108 pounds I was still, technically, a fat girl. My boyfriend didn't think so, but I never forgot what his friend said. If I ever see that jerk again I'm going to let him have it. He ruined one of my best skinny periods. Bastard. And he was BALD!

Getting Organized About It

Finally, though, my roommate and I got jobs and an apartment, and real life settled in, and as they usually do in real life, so did the bad habits. We did even more cooking in this phase, and I must say my spaghetti with mystery ingredient did even better in this setting. We knew lots of scruffy boys always ready for a meal, and we would eat and sing and talk about serious things and size up the guys as possible mates and eat. Lots of bread. Goes with "vegetarian" spaghetti quite well.

My job was a hip one that required slender hips, so I realized it might be time for a grown up diet. My roommates and I were given to getting up on Sundays and going to Po Folks, where we gorged on friend chicken and popcorn shrimp, mashed potatoes and corn, biscuits with honey and lots of sweet tea. This was not helping with my hips. I decided to try Weight Watchers.

Weight Watchers works. It does. I've done it, like, five or six times and I have all the cookbooks and the food in them is great. You go to the grocery and get the stuff in the recipe and cook it and if you eat what they say you lose weight steadily until you reach your goal.

In my numerous times of participating in Weight Watchers I have lost a lot of weight, but I always know while I'm doing it that I am going to gain it back. The way I know I know is that I always would buy cheap clothes when I was skinny. Nothing I'd feel bad about throwing away or selling.

During this period, I sold a lot of my skinny clothes once in a garage sale on my front porch. Two sistahs, one small, one bigger, came up and started pawing through the clothes. The small girl spotted my size three, barely worn, Gap jeans and grabbed them. Then she dug deeper and started piling tons of my outgrown cothes in her arms, squealing with glee. Her larger friend pointed at me and said, "You look my size. Where're your clothes?" I pointed at her friend's hefty pile of size threes. Both girls looked at me with pity. "Ooh girl, I'm sorry," said the big girl. The skinny girl bought everything I had out for about twenty bucks. And it was a lot of stuff. She hit the skinny size bonanza of all time. It was the only time I let my skinny clothes go like that. I still want those Gap jeans back. They were cool, and I might fit them again one day. Dang!

Socializing Big Time

Real life went on and even got realer. I got a new boyfriend. A super scruffy, malnourished guy who was playing in bands and working at a record store. Ok, not really that real of life. I liked to cook for him. He was from Alabama and I trotted out all my Southern tricks. I breaded, I fried, I stewed. Everyone came over and we barbequed. I put 25 pounds on and got engaged. I was so nervous about getting married, (I should have been since he dumped me a couple of months before our 10th anniversary for a ding dong in a band he was in who more than once in a conversation told me she was, "just tryin' to keep up,") I started to eat compulsively. I thought about food a lot. I planned meals a lot. I shopped for food a lot.

Crisis!

I got bigger and then I figured I was too big to go down the aisle. I was afraid I'd look like a Mardi Gras float and be expected to throw beads. I decided it was time for more than Weight Watchers. I'd seen Oprah on TV using Optifast, and I told my mother I wanted to do it. My poor mother, caught between being supportive and being aghast at my weight gain, was so guilty she offered to pay. I started the diet, which was basically drinking three shakes a day, and I started to lose big time. Only problem was that I started to gag on the shakes, and I was craving tuna fish and crackers. And I hate tuna. I told the "doctor" and he said, "Well, try Slimfast. Maybe that won't make you sick."

Ok. I was paying for Optifast and drinking Slimfast, and eating tuna and crackers in the car where no one could see me and I lost down to 135. I had a fancy gown made and I kept having it taken in to fit me. I walked down the aisle looking great. For me, I was skinny, baby. We went on a honeymoon to the Poconos and I was skinny, man. But we ate lobster dipped in butter every night for ten days and by the time I got home I'd gained five pounds and it went up from there. And to be honest, I've never been what I could term skinny again.

Time for Something Drastic

In this blog I plan to chronicle my road from where I am now to where I end up, or, my lap band experience. I have no idea if I'll be successful, but I'll share my journey honestly, and I'm taking questions, so feel free to ask anything. Tomorrow: What do you eat before the operation, and more about my diet history. Lots more!