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Last Supper
Tomorrow I start the preop diet. I looked at the list of "foods," which includes water, Crystal Light, jello, broth and not much more. It made me nervous. The last time I fasted it was the great Optifast debacle. I got engaged during that fast and practically threw the ring in my fiancee's face. Probably part of what doomed the union.
Thinking about the fast has me, of course, thinking more about eating than not eating. I've always loved to eat, and think about eating, write about eating, just about anything about eating. Oh yeah, I forgot -- dream about eating. I've had some of my absolute best meals in my dreams. I'm a meat and potatoes girl, always liked to eat a big dinner and don't spare the gravy. Don't get me wrong, I love cake and sweets too, just not as much as the main course.
I think I was doomed to weight gain, since I liked dinner and my mom liked to make it. I mentioned the great pork chop battle I had with my dad in high school, but that wasn't the only time in my life I saw red over leftovers. In a strange twist of events, my New Orleans (Metairie) public high school was non-coeducational. That's right, I went to, at the time, the biggest all girl high school in the country. Hundreds of over-hormoned, boy crazy, teenage girls jammed into an undersized school and some portable buildings. With a 15 foot fence around the whole mess. We were victims of the Baby Boom, so we not only were non-coeducational, we were "on platoon." This meant we went to school from either six a.m. in the morning to noon, or noon until six p.m. This schedule meant NO LUNCH.
Oh my God, I was hungry. I could hardly pay attention in class. If I had the early shift, I never got up in time to eat (I actually slept in the next day's school clothes to save time getting ready for the bus.) If I was on the afternoon shift, I would stay up late at night, figuring I could sleep late and catch up, so I was always late for the bus and skipped lunch and breakfast. Because of this, I was so hungry on the way home from school I could hardly think of anything but whatever food I'd hidden in the fridge to eat upon arriving home. If someone ate my stash, I became livid, panicked, absolutely freaked out.
Food became very, very important to me. (One time, my sister, as a joke, ran into my room at 2 a.m. and yelled, "You overslept! You'll miss the bus!" I jumped up and ran for the bus stop. Since it was always dark when I went to the bus, I didn't think anything of it being pitch black outside. I stood at the bus stop for about 15 minutes and then decided I'd missed the bus, and trudged home. When I saw it was 2:15 a.m. I began crying hysterically and went to the kitchen for something to eat. At that moment, food seemed like my only friend, and for once, I was up early enough to eat some.)
Four long years of this craziness set me up to obsess on food constantly. My senior year in high school, I got a job at a PoBoy shop, and finally, I got enough to eat. Working at the sandwich shop was absolutely the wrong job for a food obsessed teen. I realized quickly that I could spend the year trying to perfect the best, most delicious sandwiches, tweaked specifically to my tastes, that I could construct.
I grilled ham and cheese on French bread with dijon and mayo... Ate roast beef with chopped raw cabbage, gravy and mayo... Tossed fried oysters into my mouth while I mixed up my famous "green" potato salad (parsley is the secret ingredient)... And on and on. At this point I was still thin. I gained some weight, but amazingly, not very much. But working at the sandwich shop, with an abundance of ingredients at hand, I became habituated to idiosyncratic eating. Eating exactly what I wanted, made the way I wanted, exactly when I wanted (and often with mayonnaise.) This habit has followed me throughout my life, and has complicated every diet I've ever tried. My sweet husband, after living with me for a while said,"I know the secret to staying thin. Don't eat anything that tastes too good. Your food is always too good." I know it is, Babe. I've been working on it for years.
Thinking about the fast has me, of course, thinking more about eating than not eating. I've always loved to eat, and think about eating, write about eating, just about anything about eating. Oh yeah, I forgot -- dream about eating. I've had some of my absolute best meals in my dreams. I'm a meat and potatoes girl, always liked to eat a big dinner and don't spare the gravy. Don't get me wrong, I love cake and sweets too, just not as much as the main course.
Caged Heat
I think I was doomed to weight gain, since I liked dinner and my mom liked to make it. I mentioned the great pork chop battle I had with my dad in high school, but that wasn't the only time in my life I saw red over leftovers. In a strange twist of events, my New Orleans (Metairie) public high school was non-coeducational. That's right, I went to, at the time, the biggest all girl high school in the country. Hundreds of over-hormoned, boy crazy, teenage girls jammed into an undersized school and some portable buildings. With a 15 foot fence around the whole mess. We were victims of the Baby Boom, so we not only were non-coeducational, we were "on platoon." This meant we went to school from either six a.m. in the morning to noon, or noon until six p.m. This schedule meant NO LUNCH.
Never Enough Food
Oh my God, I was hungry. I could hardly pay attention in class. If I had the early shift, I never got up in time to eat (I actually slept in the next day's school clothes to save time getting ready for the bus.) If I was on the afternoon shift, I would stay up late at night, figuring I could sleep late and catch up, so I was always late for the bus and skipped lunch and breakfast. Because of this, I was so hungry on the way home from school I could hardly think of anything but whatever food I'd hidden in the fridge to eat upon arriving home. If someone ate my stash, I became livid, panicked, absolutely freaked out.
Food became very, very important to me. (One time, my sister, as a joke, ran into my room at 2 a.m. and yelled, "You overslept! You'll miss the bus!" I jumped up and ran for the bus stop. Since it was always dark when I went to the bus, I didn't think anything of it being pitch black outside. I stood at the bus stop for about 15 minutes and then decided I'd missed the bus, and trudged home. When I saw it was 2:15 a.m. I began crying hysterically and went to the kitchen for something to eat. At that moment, food seemed like my only friend, and for once, I was up early enough to eat some.)
The "Perfect" Job
Four long years of this craziness set me up to obsess on food constantly. My senior year in high school, I got a job at a PoBoy shop, and finally, I got enough to eat. Working at the sandwich shop was absolutely the wrong job for a food obsessed teen. I realized quickly that I could spend the year trying to perfect the best, most delicious sandwiches, tweaked specifically to my tastes, that I could construct.
I grilled ham and cheese on French bread with dijon and mayo... Ate roast beef with chopped raw cabbage, gravy and mayo... Tossed fried oysters into my mouth while I mixed up my famous "green" potato salad (parsley is the secret ingredient)... And on and on. At this point I was still thin. I gained some weight, but amazingly, not very much. But working at the sandwich shop, with an abundance of ingredients at hand, I became habituated to idiosyncratic eating. Eating exactly what I wanted, made the way I wanted, exactly when I wanted (and often with mayonnaise.) This habit has followed me throughout my life, and has complicated every diet I've ever tried. My sweet husband, after living with me for a while said,"I know the secret to staying thin. Don't eat anything that tastes too good. Your food is always too good." I know it is, Babe. I've been working on it for years.
Why the Lap Band?
It's a risk, I guess, for me to be getting the lap band. I mean, I obsess over food now. How will I be when I can't eat what I want, when I want, made exactly the way I want (often with mayonnaise)? I don't know. Stick around and we'll find out. More about why I chose the lapband later, and I'll share my famous "vegetarian" spaghetti recipe, too. (Secret ingredient, beef broth. Don't tell.)
1 comment:
That's always worried me too. I eat now when I'm not hungry. What if I get the band and do that too? Scary. Hope you can keep the bear on the leash.
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