Saturday, June 6, 2009

Love Food or Hate it, Ya Gotta Eat Something!


I love food. And sometimes, love hurts.
As I've mentioned before, loving food and eating as a celebration, a reward, and a way to show others appreciation is part of what got me to the point that I had to consider the lap band. It was a hard decision, to diminish the love in my life. No one really has all the love they want, and here I am, purposely getting rid of a reliable source of happiness and joy.

I feel silly talking about food as a source of joy, because loving to eat has become almost taboo in our society. Everyone is so afraid they'll get fat, they tend to look upon the excitement and contentment that a good meal can bring them as a trap, that when sprung, will disfigure them and reveal their innermost shameful need for comfort. So on the one hand, you have people eating for pleasure, who get big and that makes them unhappy. On the other hand, you have people who eat meager meals and unexciting foods, but they remain slender and that is a big payoff. 

I'm sure that are many people who can eat for pleasure who don't go too far, but they are not the ones our society seems to notice. It's all this "My struggle to be thin", and "How I lost 100 pounds", and "winners and losers" that we hear about. And of course, the people who really cheat, by eating nothing (anorexic) and everything (bulimic), whose thinness makes all of us feel inadequate. It really is awful what, we, as a society, have come to in regards to food.


All of this is part of the reason I chose the band. I wanted a tool that would allow me to still participate in normal eating activities. With the band, I will be able to sample Christmas dinner, not sit there with a plate of food I picked up from a diet service. With the band, I can eat normally enough that if I go to dinner with someone I haven't confided in about my operation,can order and eat from a menu without causing too much notice. And I can still love to eat! Just eat less. A lot, lot less. 

Progress Report

It's been ten days since my surgery, and my incisions are healing very well. I've had a couple of bad eating moments when I ate too fast (something I always did before the band) and got choked or food got hung up. When this happens, it feels like something is stuck in your throat. It doesn't interfere with breathing.

I'm working hard to be mindful when eating now. Mindful eating is something I've been trying to do for years, but its part of my eating problem that I kind of blank out when eating. Can't tell you how many meals I've had where I suddenly realize I've finished my plate, and hardly remember eating the food that was on it. So I've never been successful at staying focused when I'm eating. But trying not to get food hung up is helping me stay more aware while chewing. Maybe I'll finally get a hold of this problem. It's my theory that if I am more aware while eating, I won't always want more food. I'll get more out of each eating experience, and stop pining for more and more. I'd love to get to a point where a meal is just a meal, and not the only important thing in my day. Stick with me and we'll see if I get there.


View blog reactions

2 comments:

laura said...

I'm glad you are doing well. As you know we are such opposites in so many ways except exactly alike in the whole love to eat, live to eat thing. I hope this works for you. Don't choke for hell's sake.

fifilaroach said...

I'm doing great. Thanks for the vote of confidence. It's interesting how watching yourself eat surprises you. I'm not very hungry, but my head wants me to eat. It's constantly thinking of what I should be cooking. But it's getting to be a little bit less every day.