Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Tomorrow is 2 Weeks Since My Operation

Time Moves Slowly When You're On a Liquid Diet

I hope it ends up being ok, because I started on soft solids today. I'm way ahead of schedule, but I cannot "eat" liquids anymore. I'm starting to feel like a sieve. 

I had a little bit of tender meat today with some cottage cheese, and it went down fine, no problem at all. On some days I wonder if he really put the band in there, because you really don't feel anything much that would let you know its there. My incisions are healing, and I'm hardly ever even the smallest bit hungry. Maybe I won't need a fill? Who knows, this is unknown territory. 

I got in to the doc's office in 2 weeks, so we'll see what he says.

Things Are Going Great So I'm Freaking Out!

Losing weight is exciting and creepy at the same time. I've lost about 10 pounds, more than a tenth of what I'd love to lose (then I'd be bona fide skinny!), and I'm getting that feeling that you get... A feeling of power. No wonder so many people become anorexic. It is strange to have control over something that has felt so out of control in the past. And I'll admit, I'm looking at clothing sites (NY&Co. is having a sale on tiny clothes!). So that side of things is sort of thrilling. 

Then there's the self doubt side. The part of you that thinks "What if I don't keep losing..." or "What if I'm the only person in the world who gets a lap band and gains?' Things like that. THAT part is super creepy. It makes you realize that there is a part of you that is very self-sabotaging. Because this is going well, I'm not hungry at this point, and I'm not going on  a tri-county sexual rampage or shoplifting to replace my food obsession with a new obsession (so far, LOL), so I should be happy, right? Why is it so hard to just be happy with results and not question everything?

But if you take out the part where I'm freaking out (a big part), I'm happy. If I'm not careful, soon I'll be able to move down a size in clothing. I have every size in my closet, down to about 10, so all I have to do is shop the closet. I have tons of clothes with tags still on that didn't fit (too small, of course) that I can wear as I go down in size. 

It's Been A Long Time Since I Was Thin!

You know how you become invisible as you age? Well, it happens sooner if you are overweight. I've often observed that people will call someone who is thin beautiful when they are clearly not, just well groomed (and thin). And they will call someone who is fat every bad name in the book even though they are, in fact, beautiful. And don't even get me started on the other end of the spectrum, people who say every overweight woman "Really does have a pretty face." That should be considered the new way to call someone a pig. Because when people say that its just a way to say "Boy, is she fat," and still sound nice. Ask a fat girl. She'll tell you someone told her she had a beautiful face just yesterday.

Fat People Unite!

So when you get big, you get a sort of solidarity going with other overweight people, and you feel like you are deserting them when you start losing. And that's another impediment to losing weight. 

Oh, here's another thing I hate! When people are overly enthusiastic about your weight loss, just gushing about it, until you know that they thought you looked really, really bad before you lost the weight.. It's sort of like the whole Susan Boyle thing. I mean, even when the judges started praising her, they were insulting her at the same time. 

We all want to look nice, to fit in, etc, but I am here to tell you, people are a lot more than their weight. And our society just doesn't seem to realize that enough. 

So then I remind myself that I am doing this for lots of reasons, not just to fit into little jeans. I am doing it for my daughter, who is 7, and was born when I was less than a month from 44, and who needs a mom for as long as possible. I am doing it for my husband, who worries about my health. I am doing it for my parents and sisters so I can be of more help to them as we all age. And of course, I'm doing it for myself, so I can stop freaking out at every ache or pain, thinking I'm about to stroke out. Okay... and I'm looking forward to the skinny jeans. They have some really cute ones on NY&Co. for 34.99. So, so cute!

But get this straight, I am not doing it for the skinny jeans... only.
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