Sunday, July 19, 2009

I'm Still Fat. Damn.

I've Had a Hard Couple of Days

If you've been wondering where I've been, its because we had some unexpected things happen this past week. My husband was on his way out for errand and noticed a little white bunny in our yard. After a moment's pause, he decided to go on and do his errands and ignore the bunny. He figured it was a neighbor's. 

He came home a few hours later and the bunny was still in our yard. He told me, I went out to investigate, and the bunny hopped over to me and sat on my foot. Obviously, a lost bunny. I brought her inside and once my daughter saw her, all heck broke loose. She was so excited I thought she was going to rocket off of the planet. While she oohed and ahhed over the rabbit, I got on the net and did some research. We started by riding around the neighborhood hoping to see posters about a lost rabbit. No luck. Then we decided to feed her. My husband went to the store for carrots. Then, after I read more about rabbit's eating habits, he went back for romaine lettuce. We put the bunny in a basket with towels and my daughter sat next to the basket and sang her songs and read her all of her princess books. She was getting attached, to say the least.

We made it through the night (the bunny slept in Lily's room), and again, we looked for posters. Nothing. So it was time for a trip to Pet Smart. We spent $93 dollars getting stuff for the bunny, now named Savannah. We went to my mom's and got an old pack and play to put her in. My daughter, sensing that no one was ever going to claim the bunny, was getting really confident that she had a new pet. 

Bunny Drama

My husband is a pilot and works nights, so after he left for the evening we settled down to watch some tv and hang out with the bunny. My daughter was so excited about all the bunny care info we learned she asked if we could make a video, and we did. Around 10 pm I told her to put the bunny in the play pen and leave her alone. I had noticed the rabbit was not eating or pooping, and that was worrying me. I looked on the net and found out that a rabbit that is not eating or pooping is a sick rabbit. I called the vet... They referred me to an emergency clinic 25 miles away. It was $90 for a visit. I talked to the vet and he said, "Oh, she'll be okay until tomorrow." I decided to chance waiting.

An hour or so later I could see the rabbit was really sick. Lily, who was on a two day high at this point, was still up and still reading to the rabbit. She had pulled a little stool up to the play pen. I asked her to leave the rabbit alone again, and made her come sit on the couch to watch tv. A few minutes later she checked on the rabbit and... she was dead. 

Oh. My. God. You cannot imagine how upset Lily got. I was pretty upset too, but Lily was sure it was her fault. She figured she had read too much to her, fussed too much over her. I tried to reassure her, but she was beside herself. She said, "I'll never be the same again. She was my favorite thing ever."

It Broke My Heart

I got on the net AGAIN and started looking for rabbits for sale in our area. I found one about 20 minutes away and emailed her. All that was left was to convince daddy. He was less than enthused, but after witnessing Lily's heartbreak, he relented. So today we went to get a replacement bunny for the bunny we found and never meant to have as a pet in the first place. Yes, we realize that this is fairly nuts, but I felt terrible for Lily and we couldn't say no.

Get to the Point!

So what does this have to do with my still being fat? Well, we took our video camera to document Lily picking out her new bunny. My husband held the camera so I couldn't do my usual hiding. I was all over the video, and true to my usual form, when I saw the video I was shocked at how fat I still am. I've been losing weight and my clothes are loose and I've been thinking I look pretty good. I probably do look a lot better. But I'm not thin, or medium, or medium large. I am still firmly extra large. Shoot. 

So I'm going to Atlanta this weekend and will be seeing friends I haven't seen in 5 years and I'm still fat. I'm really bummed. It would be so cool to look good. I wish for once I knew what I looked like! This body dysmorphia thing is so insidious. If I could get a handle on what I look like, I know I would have an easier time dieting, exercising, and dealing with my weight problem. Even though I'm acutely aware that I don't know what I look like, I am still shocked that I don't know what I look like. Or something like that.

So, tomorow I'm going out to try to find a couple of outfits to make me look a little better while in Atlanta. I'm sure I'll think I look good in them until I see the pictures from the trip. Then I'll realize I'm still fat. Damn.

If you want to see the video Lily made about the rabbit, it's right here on youtube.

I'm also posting a video of the new bunny.
You'll be able to hear me talking, but since I edited it myself, you won't see me. I can't stand to see myself on video.

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